I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

I'm all out of love, I'm coming back in for a refill!

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

These words have been running through my brain like a pipe organ. I didn't even know they rest of the song until I looked them up and now it fits even better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you, I can't be too late to say I was so wrong." No this isn't my love song for a broken relationship with some guy, (I've been married for over 30 years and intend to stay that way for a long time to come!) But it is more like me singing it to God because one more time I go fool charge ahead without Him. Yes, I realized I misspelled full then realized it perfectly fits because seriously, I looked like a fool blown fool!

It all started around a holiday, (again) with the questioning of the rules (again) and why can't they change now that I am older. What was the rule; internet shut down and phones plugged in on your desk by 10 on school nights and 11 on weekends.

cards he pulled out-It wasn't the rule with the girls. (I wasn't as smart with the girls)

I'm older now and I'm smart enough not to get onto sites that I know are wrong....(many adults can't even handle that.

and the old but over used one; I just don't understand what the big deal is.

I need to take responsibility for my part:

I didn't ask who he was talking to or say how much longer do you need, (there was obviously a crises caused that needed to be talked out on facebook messaging) personally I think the fact that he told her about someone saying something inappropriate about her (gossip) caused the crises in the first place.... Proverbs 26:20  Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. He should have kept quiet and dealt with it himself!

I didn't ask because for the last several weeks I'll be there in a few minutes means 5 minutes to me and 35 minutes to him. I didn't ask because I didn't want to give him a chance to lie...again.

I apologized for not seeking to be more understanding...he apologizes for not being on time (after I point out that he should step up to the plate and take responsibility for his part and apologize.)

We went to bed,

He- angry because he felt misunderstood, judged and was told no.

Me-exhausted, it was 1:00 AM now and felt like I had to defend myself and my right to set boundaries and establish rules to protect my household and questioning what I could have said or done differently.

Saturday Morning: He has moved the whole X-box system into his room and is hibernating. It is owned by his brother, no he didn't ask permission.

I had asked several weeks ago in passing, "Hey, will you be my date for the wedding that we are invited to since everyone else will be out of town?" His answer, "I guess, if I don't have to work."  (that meant yes to me as long as he didn't have to work)

So I knock on the door:

"Hey we are going to be leaving around 1:15."

"What? where are we going?"

"The Wedding."

"I never said I would go to that."   I repeat the above conversation.

"But I never said yes, I have plans with my friends to go to the beach. Do I HAVE to go?"

Looking back I should be grateful that at least he did recognized that I have some measure of authority, he could have said, I'm not going and you can't make me....he didn't. However at this point gratitude was the last thing on my mind, I snapped. If any of you have ever snapped before then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't then I hope you never have to experience it. I could have jumped on him and started strangling him at that minute but I didn't I slammed the door and walked away, for about 3-10 seconds trying to recover from what felt like a karate side kick right in the gut, that really hurt....yes, it's the day before Mother's day...then I came back and let him have it, put the phone on my dresser (did I mention that this was the upgrade phone that I could have had but I gave him the better phone just a week ago. Ungrateful little tyrant)( yes I'm still seeking God on this and still in the process of forgiving. Wait till we get to the wedding, God sent me a messenger.) get in there and get the dishes done, I had to call him back three times to finish and get this Xbox put away before we leave. And YES you do HAVE to go. I might add that I said all of this hysterically...no completely losing it, no, tyrannically,  maybe, and maybe even satanically!! I hadn't lost it like this since the Christmas episode. And I added some guilt in there too....Thank-you for the Mother's Day present.

The Wedding: We arrive at the wedding, and we are civil to each other (I honestly think I may have scared him and now he is questioning my sanity hoping I don't do something or say something to embarrass him.)

As we stand for the bride to enter I notice the little 3 year old daughter of one of the bridesmaids is standing in the seat of a disabled elderly man (I think her grandfather) . When they say you may be seated I quickly assess he will be left standing because there is no way he can pick up that little girl and sit down at the same time so I quickly grab her out of his seat thinking as soon as we sit down she will jump down from my lap and go climb up into great Grandpa's lap. Although I knew who she was, her parents and her grandparent, this is the first time I have ever held this little girl. I'm thinking she's going to start crying or jump down or try to run to her mama. I hold her up and point out the bride and she waves to her mama and within 2 minutes she is asleep on my lap. You have NO idea what an amazing healing balm this is to my soul. I felt like it was a message from God, "Someone still needs you, and I will not stop using you to comfort others just because your kids are growing up."

Even after the wedding was over I continued to hold her. Joshua did what he does best, mingle and didn't even try to rush off but stayed for the reception. While I am holding this sweet little girl in my arms an old friend, that I haven't seen in a long time, comes and sits down beside me. How are things going? What have you been up to? I ask her desperately not wanting to gossip or spill my woes of my teens when hers seem so well behaved. Another message from God comes flying in. "We are taking care of my mother now, you know I lost my dad over a year ago. I wanted to take care of him, out of love, but with mother it is more out of obligation. She is just so judgmental and makes it hard to love her. I hope when I get older my children don't feel the same way." OUCH!  Thank-you God for giving me the gentle message first before throwing me into the refiners fire! Fighting back tears, I said to her, "you are here by divine design and I needed to hear what you have to say." Then her children walked up and we talked about other things so God didn't even give me a chance to bad mouth my son. Thank-you God, one less thing I need to repent of.  

But that is not all, Sunday morning I go to wake up Joshua for church, "I have to be to work early."  he says. "And miss church again? You tell them that you can't work Sunday mornings or you get up and go to an early service, one or the other but do not miss church again." It's Mother's Day and I'm going to church by myself. Don't get me wrong we had a celebration last week because we knew that 4 of my 9 people would be out of town so I knew it but I just thought Joshua would be with me. Expectations...on Thursday before all this went down I actually pictured him saying, C'mon mom I'll take you out to eat for Mother's Day after church. I actually expected him to think ahead, think about somebody else and give without expecting anything in return. I didn't get to that giving point until after my third child and even then it was sporadic at best! Rather then go to my own church I went to a church where few would know me and ask questions and they had a good worship service, which I needed. But it was more about giving my all in all to God rather then receiving from God. In fact it forced me to quit saying, "What about me?" and start asking, "What do you want from me God?" Faith mainly, that I would believe that there is still hope for Joshua, for me and for our relationship and yes that God can clean up this mess, help me to forgive and move on and let it go. Because He is able to do more than I ask or imagine. That was just in the worship service. During the actually service was how much influence I have over my children, use it wisely. Another OUCH! Again I marvel that God know me, know my weaknesses and still gave me 5 children. Because "for my [His] strength is made perfect in [my] weakness."

Boundless Love, Boundless Love, He has conquered all of death and the grave, I may be all out of love for the moment but God will and already is refilling my tank and give me the grace to love more abundantly.

Messege I heard on the radio this morning!
"Perhaps you should be spending more time teaching responsibility instead of trying to control."

Slut or Flirt?

She's a slut.

That's pretty harsh words coming from a 15 year old, my youngest son and I reprimanded him for it. After all we are homeschoolers, Christian homeshoolers at that, and need to follow protocol. Honestly we've come so far from the "norm" with conservative Christian homeshooling I'm not sure it's possible to ever go back. It all started with me allowing them to bring music other than Christian music into the house. GASP!! I know we fell completely off the wagon. Maybe it had to do with having almost two separate families. First we had the girls then six years later we had 3 more. The first two in the mean time were finding jobs and being thrust out into the world and learning some pretty tough lessons about the "real world". I won't say that I sheltered them but let's face it if you're not in public school the games are totally new to you and can be a slap in the face if you are not warned about them. But that's a different story. This one is about my youngest son. He's the baby of the family, .....my baby. But not anymore....not after today. Today I realize that he is very close to becoming a man if not already full blown, complete with testosterone, hormones an appreciation for a "cute butt".  If I had paid attention I would have saw it coming, he no longer blushed every time someone mentioned the word sex, and we had our share of movies we had to fast forward or completely forgo because of sexual scenes,  but I was in denial that Daniel would not have to struggle with lust, or avoid looking at boobs hanging out, butts poking up and well if you've been to Walmart lately it's not necessary for me to explain myself. I have read many books on the subject and even aloud to them because I desperately want them to avoid being take down to the depths by a "harlot" and know not that it leads to death. If they choose to go that way they will know exactly where it's leading and the price they will have to pay.

Daniel was scheduled to take an SAT test and I dropped him off. "Where do I go," he said, as he looked up at the three story building. "Just follow those girls, they are going to the same place". Little did I know that they herded them in like cattle and he had no choice but to sit behind one of those girls for over four hours, who chose by her actions to be tagged a "slut".  As he described this girl, his words were totally honest, blunt and to the point. In fact I was in shock at how blunt. I shouldn't have been because I have a tendency to "tell it like it is" most of the time but still coming from him on this subject was a little tough to swallow.

"She sat in front of me and every chance she got she stuck her butt up in the air. I admit I looked and she had a cute butt, but that's not the point, she felt it necessary to flaunt it every chance she got. She's a slut."

"That's a little harsh, can we use some other term, flirty?"

"No, she was a slut."

I wasn't as surprised by his harsh judgment so much as I was by his transparency that he looked. How many other 15 year olds would admit that. How could he not look when she is waving it in the air! I wish I could talk to her, does she know that she is acting like a slut, or does she just think she's being flirty? Who is her mother, has she never read about the women in Proverbs. I almost feel sorry for her because of her lack of discretion. But one thing I can celebrate that it is almost guaranteed because of the wisdom God has given my son, he won't be marrying a "slut".

Proverbs 7:10-27  And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart. (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house: Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.) So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,  I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.  Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee. I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves. For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey: He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.  With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him. He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks;  Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that it is for his life. Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth. Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.



"Let's go ladies, time for our morning exercise,

shoulders back, deep breath and jog!"

What did you do on this beautiful Saturday morning. I got up....not because I wanted to but because the dog would not take no for an answer. (D let her out an hour earlier before he went to work!) Then I went back to bed for 30 more minutes...contemplating.  I need to get up, get out there and jog, How late can I wait before I say, "It's too hot."  I got up threw on some shorts and shoes and took off. It 's not because I enjoy running so much, I don't...especially when it's hot, but I do enjoy being outside. Today it was out of necessity that I forced myself to go. I've been on one of those two-day eating binges. Not even five minutes could go by before I had to stick something else in my mouth. Call it nervousness, PMSing, worrying or maybe all three but the point was I had worked my way into feeling tired, fat, ugly and guilty.

When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was eat,  I knew once I got started I wouldn't be able to quit. More contemplation, go to the garage sales or start on my chore list. The first would have just piled on more guilt the second would mean taking my sweaty, stinky self outside and grooming and bathing the dogs. Guilt from my laziness and procrastination this last week won out again and I chose the latter. It was also powerful enough to move me into cleaning off the kitchen table, putting a roast in the crock pot and putting away the clean laundry.

Had I spent my morning sipping tea and doing something I enjoy (i.e. garage selling, reading a book, out to eat with friends)  the world would not have fallen apart and most of the chores would have simply been postponed, right? Something else, somewhere would have had to give, school work, time with D, or maybe just another dinner thrown together. I think my husband deserved better then that after 12 hours of work and after 20 years of faithful work so I can stay home to home school my children.

All that to say that after 20 years I am still fighting for and looking for consistency. I think I'm just looking for immediate results. We would all like to "see' that what we do really matters, did 20 years of homeschooling, training, teaching, talking and disciplining make a difference.  Did anyone even notice my heroic efforts of trying to set a good example. Without a vision, without a purpose and a goal regardless of what we are doing it feels like a waist of time. But it's not just about having a goal it's about having the faith to believe that with God's grace you can reach that goal.

Service without passion, without a vision kills the spirit to even try. The passion part is what I want to pass on to my children.  Do the right thing because you love the Lord and you are fully aware of so much that he has done for you not out of guilt.  That is difficult to teach when I myself lose sight of it every other month. It used to be once a week so I guess I'm making progress. The idea is to realize and recognize that every single thing we do we do unto the Lord. He is not a harsh master he has given us an opportunity to minister and that means  giving us children to help grow US!  By watching us grow, fall, be forgiven, get back up and grow some more we are teaching them about God's grace. By serving our family we are teaching them to serve but by serving as unto the Lord, with joyful heart we are teaching them passion, creating a love in their hearts for God by loving them with actions through God's grace. Teaching them to serve the Lord is not so much about consistency, perfection and definitely not guilt, its about love and compassion and acceptance that they are still learning and growing too.

2 Peter 3:18  But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.



Losing Grace!

You can let go now dear, we've made it back home....let go

LET GO, you're going to share that thing with me you know!! 

I know, pretty ironic that my next blog would be 'Losing Grace', right? Years and years ago, when I only had two children, I had a day care, 6 kids a day, 5 days a week, every week. "How do you do that?", so many would ask. "It's easy and it's fun", I would reply and although some days were more work than others for the most part it was fun. It was organized and scheduled so that everyone knew what to do. Then we moved. I had made a deal with God that if my husband were to make so much money I would stay home with my kids and just spend time with them. But when we got settled I was once again tempted to start another day care....until I had 5 kids in the house at one time for several hours. What happened.....I don't know, I just know that when it was over I knew that the grace to have a day care was gone! completely! Several times, because I had a bunch of preschool stuff, I tried to get back into it. However, just because you have the stuff, just because your qualified, just because you know how and you like to do it doesn't mean, for now, that it is what God wants you to do. So I waited. Last year I finally gave away my preschool boxes.....over 20 years later! I'm not really a hoarder....I was just waiting....just in case.

Back to the present. I have been home schooling my children for over 20 years but I feel like that grace is slipping. I have two boys left, next year will be their Senior years.....one more year. Surely you don't think God is asking me to stop one year before completion. I don't know, all I do know is that we aren't organized, we don't seem to have a schedule and I feel more like I'm in over my head than ever before. Maybe, I'm just tired.

Last week I finished my last Sunday School lesson and turned in my resignation. It was a Ladies SS Class. For a full month only one person was showing up and I'm not sure it wasn't out of sympathy. This week someone showed up who hadn't been there in six weeks....she didn't know where to go. Did I hear wrong? In a church of 400 you should have  more than 1 person....shouldn't you?

I need grace to hear you Lord, I need to recognize your voice above my emotions. I'm tired of the guessing games.  I need the grace to let go if that is your will for me. I need the motivation to act on something outside myself. We still have two more months to finish out this year, I need a schedule, they need a schedule. I can't seem to find the strength to insist that it be done my way or even on time....is that letting go? I don't think so, that's just being lazy! Maybe I just need a shot of energy in the arm.

Galatians 6:9-10  And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

How Come I Get all the Grace?

Perfect hair do

Perfect stance

everything should go....perfectly, right?

Almost a year ago my son Daniel had open heart surgery. The whole incident was a tremendous God story. He was born with a vessel going straight through his heart. It should have been neatly laying on top. Fourteen year old Daniel has always been active but when he started basketball he was pushed beyond just being active and the sharp pain over the top of his heart made us take notice. Through it all God pushed us to take action, gave us wisdom, then gave us peace. We had the best doctors, the best hospital and there was never any doubt in my mind that Daniel was going to come through "fixed" and ready to go out and play some more basketball. I have been wrong before but I figured if God had sustained his life for this long, it was obviously for a purpose. He could have died, any day, running and jumping like any ordinary boy but God held him firm. He hurt his back at the beginning of basketball that year and wasn't able to go full speed the whole season. He bought a pair of running shoes that he was anxious to try out, they delayed the shipping almost a whole month...until after we had a diagnosis. God planned out every step along the way.

 

Chelsea a beautiful little 5 year old had a heart defect from birth also. She recently underwent open heart surgery. A week later she was fighting for her life in ICU because of complications. Many, many prayers went up for Chelsea asking for God's healing power.  God chose to give Chelsea the ultimate healing, Chelsea went to be with the Lord.  All up and down facebook are memories and pictures of sweet Chelsea. They had a Celebration of Life for her and released balloons. She was beautiful but today her family grieves. Do they have peace or are their minds churning with 'why" questions?  Did God also plan this out every step of the way? I know that God is still good and he was there.

Isaiah 55:11  So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Sometimes I get it into my head that I deserved that. I didn't. You can't do anything good enough to deserve the love, acceptance or favor of God. King David was one of his favorites, but God took his first born son. Granite we all say, he deserved it because of his adultery with Basheeba. But don't we all "deserve it" for one sin or another? I mean it should be that anything good we get should come as a shock, not the other way around. Let's face it, how many of us can honestly say we are unselfish and totally devoted to God and his ways no matter what? I am constantly trying to understand and put some reason to God's grace and the way he doles it out.  Is he giving Chelsea's family enough grace and understanding to realize there are no guarantees and to graciously be grateful for the time they had with Chelsea. Will they be able to comfort others that lose children. What was the point?
 

Isaiah 55:9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 

I will probably not understand until I get to heaven, and even then maybe not. The more I try, the more confused I become. God's grace and mercy is amazing and I know that we ALL have more than we deserve. Sometimes I feel guilty because I seem to have an over abundance! If Daniel had died would I have been grateful for the years we got to have with him, or would I have turned into a bitter, angry woman. I can not say for sure, I don't think anyone knows until they have actually gone through it. Some have gone through a tremendous amount of pain and others seem to float along with only minor hurdles. But I can not judge what goes on inside, only God can. I can only leave it to him and trust his judgment. Thank-you God for your mercy and grace in my family, I am overwhelmed because of the blessing you have poured out on our family. Please be with Chelsea's family and provide them with mercy and grace enough to bring them comfort and peace.

Romans 9:14-16  What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid. For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy..

Killing Two Birds With One Stone

Don't Panic, I'm not dead yet.

I just need a little loving kindness and I'll be back to normal!

It came out of no where. Well, actually a secret arsenal had been building up. I had no idea it even existed!! Joshua called, and ask if he could stay a third night with his friends. Red flags went up and I knew he shouldn't but I said yes anyway, because I couldn't think of a good reason to say no. He did have school work to do the next day but he assured me he had gotten enough sleep the night before. Before I got through with the phone call, however, I had to ask the usual motherhood questions. Where are you, who are you with, etc.... It was not so much the questions as it was the way I was asking them.... after each answer I would say...sooooo you've just gotten out of the movies. Sooooo your with Tyler and John. Sooooo and on and on it went. Each time the "sooooo" said "I'm really not believing you." 

My daughter, Melody, who always has an opinion, is overly honest and sometimes excessively negative was listening to the conversation. First mistake:  I ask after I got off  the phone what she was thinking. "I wouldn't want to come home either." she boldly replied. I went off, not a little bit, a lot of bit, a wicked witch of the west bit, I can't remember the last time I acted that bad bit!  It could have been the nonchalant way she said it like she was a know it all and had already raised her children. More likely though it was and is my raw feelings towards my own judgment of my progress with my relationship with Joshua. I really believe that I am making progress. It is slow but it is progress!  

The next day I paid again for wanting to be a "yes mom" and not wanting to rock the boat. In fact I almost capsized it completely! Monday after Joshua got home he slept until 1. Although he had gotten enough sleep the Saturday night, obviously Sunday night was a different story. I ask him to do three things that day, finish your school work(1 subject he was behind in) take out the trash and clean your bathroom.  By 6:00 he said (not asked) he was going into town with his dad, just for a couple of hours. I said no, but he said the paper was done, and he would clean the bathroom when he got back home it would only take 15 minutes... 6:30, I discover the paper is not finished....only part of it. 9:00 the paper is finished, 11:00 PM the bathroom is still not finished, threats, reminders, etc ensue...I go to bed (3 different times) lacking any peace, in fact their isn't any peace in the whole house.    

I apologized to Miranda, she was right, and if I were honest I wouldn't come home either. But whether she will be that honest with me again remains to be seen. The worst part is that I DID ask her for her opinion. Joshua had not told the "whole" truth..there were others with them, girls to be exact, not a good trust builder. Not that they were doing anything wrong, but it's just the idea; Can I trust you, when it looks like you're hiding something? Yes, he got the bathroom clean and he didn't get grounded for his procrastination.  

So where do I go from here, Which way is up. Well for one thing I should have trusted my instincts and just said no, enough is enough, come home. I also should have stuck to my no the next day on staying home and finishing the three things I asked him to do for the day. Thirdly, setting consequences for the procrastination was fine but emotionally pounding them into the ground was unnecessary and did not change the circumstances or help anyone. I was more frustrated with myself than anyone else. Overall it was the feeling of being shanghaied or swindled.  I'm sure you could throw a little pride into the mix too, but it was no one's fault but my own. The manipulation process takes two people, the manipulator and the one that allows themselves to be manipulated. I let my guard down.  I still have authority, I still have some control. I am in the process of releasing control over to God but transitions are messy and nothing is concrete. The whole process will probably be several years down the road or when he is financially independent of us. Until then how will I know when to let him make decisions or when to be a yes mom or a no mom. Again I say, it's messy. I will have to stay alert and close to God, and listen and at the same time continue practicing love and showing kindness towards him. Relationships could have died this night, but God's grace will prevail.

Colossians 3:12-13  Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

1 Peter 5:8  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Time is a Gift

There we were out there in the cold hunting around the side of a lookout mountain for....keys? No, sunglasses? No, a jacket? No! We were looking for a little bottle, others had already found it.  You find it, take out the little piece of paper and sign your name on it and the date then put it back where you found it and leave.

     It seems like I spend half my life looking for things, my keys, the check book, my purse, the school book that I'm supposed to be teaching out of RIGHT NOW, the shovel, my glasses, you name it, I've looked for it! So when my husband ask me if I wanted to go look for a hide and seek thing with his GPS I don't know what possessed me to say...."ok".  Off we went on this crazy adventure, getting little clues with the phone off of the internet. This is something you do with children to teach them to use a compass, and find GPS coordinates. With just us this is not using our time very productively.... so I thought.

     We found the first one without too much trouble. There was a certain hint of .... victory.  I had to run back to the car to get a pin so we could write the date and declare with the many others, "We were here and we were successful!" We rolled the pieces of paper up and put it back in to it's home, where it had been for years!       

     As we headed towards home, D asked the next question. "Daniel and I could not find the one in here," (my thoughts, he has time to do this with Daniel, why don't I have any time to do anything just for fun? And when did they do this?) "Would you like to go in and see if you and I can find it?" "Sure, why not," I say. He makes the turn into the cemetery and we go searching.
     We see babies burial grounds, 1 day old, 3 days old, I am grateful for my children and the time I get to have with them. Seeing graves dated back into the 1800s, suddenly makes it feels like we are on sacred ground. Carefully and respectfully we continue searching. We are there for 30 minutes and we can't find it. It's frustrating, has someone moved it? Why would they spoil it for someone else? Maybe it got washed away with the rain. "Wait a minute, what difference does it make? "Why are we wasting time here?" is a thought trying to come out of the logical part of my mind. As we prepare to write in on the web site and say can't find it D shows me some pictures...one is a little boy digging around inside the bush that we have just been walking around for 10 minutes. My competitive spirit jumps into my thoughts, "well if a little boy can find it, hmph!" "Well", I say, "if we need to dig inside the bush...we dig!" I start digging, pulling leaves out with my fingers, (that's why the little boy was digging, everyone else's hands were too big to fit between the branches). Within a few seconds I pull out a little 4 inch contraption and sure enough, it has papers rolled up inside. We've done it again, yay!

     Wait a minute, what exactly did we accomplish? Nothing; I could have had the dishes done by now, or the floor swept. Fortunately we went on our walk first and got our exercise in for the day. When did we start adding up our lives according to what we got accomplished that day? It wasn't "nothing". It was precious. It was time, with my husband, doing something he enjoys doing. It was being outside, instead of in here in front of a computer, it was his love language.

      I'm sure you've heard of the book, "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. The list of 5 is this, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, or Acts of Services. Today I spent time loving my husband with "Quality Time". It wasn't hard but it did cost me time and I had to be 'available'. And now that I'm looking back it was fun and it was time well spent. My husband has been on a diet, accepting little left over scraps from my time. I praise God that he has been patient, but he's been patient long enough. It's not easy, we are all busy trying to raise children, teach them and time is not something that we have an over abundance of. There is always going to be one more thing to do, but I personally have to be careful not to choose the good over the best. Today, at least for a few hours, my husband was my top priority and that will be happening more often.