Why Me?

You always get the biggest piece, it's my turn!

How bout we flip a coin?

Sure, I'll hold the cob, you flip.

 

Why Me?

Sometimes instead of asking why did this happen to me, we are asking why didn't this happen to me? Very Similar to "How come I get all the grace?" Why do I have to constantly questions God's reasoning? I've already recognized and come to grips with the fact that every good and perfect gift comes from above. I can't earn God's grace. But I still want an explanation... I want to be ready....I want to know the reasoning so I can control it a little more, even when I'm getting more than my fair share.

D and Daniel were in an accident last Monday. Daniel, (15, with a learners permit) was driving, drifted off the road at 70 miles per hour and over corrected. Went across the road into oncoming traffic, there wasn't any. That's the first MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. Then they hit a tree which slid the car around and rammed the passenger door into another tree. D had minor injuries, three stitches, and some x-rays were done because his ribs were bruised from the door coming in about 9 inches. Daniel walked away with a scratch. Another MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. I am so grateful and I am praising God for watching over our family and protecting my son and my husband. But I also felt guilt for being so blessed. Isn't that crazy?  

 

I called my friend and talked to her and ask her if she ever feels angry when she hears stories like mine. She has a handicapped child that was in an accident because someone didn't put the chains on when they hooked up a trailer. It came off and slammed into their van right where the little 4 year old girl was sitting. The timing was too perfect, she was near death for quite a while but when she woke up she wasn't the same. I would be angry, I would be asking why me God. She said, "I can't dwell on it."  Am I the only one that is still so carnally minded?  

We put a picture of the car on fb. I couldn't help but think about a young girl who lost her brother in a car accident about 4 or 5 years ago. Was his car the same color as ours? Did our rejoicing bring up horrific pictures in her mind of her brother. Was she asking the question, "Why them and not us Lord?" I think I would be.  

 

I know God is good and His ways are pure and I'm not always going to understand. I'm so grateful he understands me; My mixed up emotions, my questioning thoughts and my guilty feelings. And he still loves me and he continues to bless our family. No I'm not going to stand around and drown in guilt and I'm not going to be tense waiting and wondering when it will be my turn. I'm going to enjoy the goodness of the Lord and do my best to walk in the Spirit and glorify God.  

Galatians 5:25  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 

When someone gives us a gift that we know we don't deserve there is something inside of  us that makes us want to become someone that deserves it. It's not about being someone we are not as much as it is about being all that God called us to be.  

Luke 12:48..... For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

I know I can not control what will happen tomorrow, but "I will not fear because God is with me". He will give me the grace to do what he has called me to do because his grace is sufficient for me. I'm still reeling in gratitude, and yes, a little bit of guilt but eventually this event will just be a memory. Hopefully we will remember God's amazing grace in the midst and thank Him once again that our world as we know it was not changed forever on that day.  

Psalms 34:4  I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

The Ride

• Would you mind giving me a lift? 

These pictures represent two VERY different kinds of rides! We live in the country so every chance we get we group together to save gas. This particular time was not was not a good time. I had planned it out so carefully, I was going to go get my haircut while the boys went to football practice. I thought it would be ok with everyone but cramping the style and changing the plans of a 17 year old boy is serious business. First the time change that he had to be there, 2:00 instead of 3:00. Ok, I'll drop you off. Secondly, I would be driving his car, you know the one. The one we are paying insurance on, bought for him and now because he is jobless, paying gas for him to haul himself and his little brother around to football practice and anywhere else he wants to go, apparently. (time for Deep breath)  Now you would think it would be no big deal, he drives my car when the need arises....it was a big deal.  

So here are some tips if you want to "share the ride" with your teenage son.

1. Let them know PLENTY ahead of time....mainly so they can figure out a way to finagle out of it. Putting things on them at the last minute is not a good thing....especially when they have made MANY plans that you don't know about that they plan on springing on YOU at the last minute. But we are seeking peace here....so plenty of warning.

2. Be prepared for them to say no that won't work for me, please figure out something else to do.  (time for Mini lesson in give/take relationships....not take/take relationships or give/give relations.)

3. Try to understand their "I'm so frustrated with you" attitude and see things from their side; me, myself and I and what's best for me!

4. Gripe them out! Say things you don't mean, lay on the guilt trip.

5. Make it your ambition to remind them at least for the next 5 times they ask you for something, about the expensive price you paid, (attitude, guilt, disrespect, etc). In other words give them back exactly what they gave you....that will teach them.

 

REWIND: Most of the above I did do. I was not prepared for all the drama and attitude and instead of taking action I reacted. If I had stopped and thought about exactly what my reactions would have cost, (words I regretted, making ME look like the teenager,) and what it would accomplish-nothing, I may have done it differently.

1. Pray and practice Gratitude

2. Guard my mouth

3. Grace

We all love grace so much...when we are receiving it, but when we are giving it, yuk. It's tough stuff. Even Jesus Christ, when he stretched out his arms to pour out grace upon us, he was spit on, whipped, and rejected.

When we stretch out our arms to show grace, when we lay down our lives, our rights, our agenda, we are going to get stepped on...but the righteousness of God will spring forth.

 

James 3:17-18  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

 

When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?!

When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?

It is not necessary to say everything that you are thinking and labeling is against the rules. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. The word, perfectionist, should not bring on such negativity, aggression and a downright offense….I wouldn’t think. But my sister has a sign in her home that calls perfectionist, sick, but instead we strive for excellence….same thing in my book. But she didn’t ask me. And I think that being a perfectionist would be a compliment…. I want a perfectionist to work on my teeth, I want a perfectionist doctor, I want a perfectionist to paint my house, work on my car….etc. Don’t you? But apparently my sister considered it a major insult.

The name of the personality book is “Who do you think you are, anyway?” It is an eye opening experience to read it and find out about yourself, and how you can improve, and how you can adjust your personality when you understand other people’s reactions and why they react that way. It is an amazing tool and has been used for years in the work place as well as with personal relationships.

After I first read it I was amazed at how much my son and I were alike. It is no wonder we clash so many times, whereas my other son, with a different personality, not so much.   

Another book called, “Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, is where I got a taste of differences in personality, ways that these people can be touched to their very souls. A third resource, “The Five Love Languages”,  was helpful and a children’s book called “The Treasure Tree” also helped. But none of these so specifically provided ways to get these people to understand me as I communicated with them in their own language. It gives you tools in different situations, or weapons if you misuse them. 

I misused them. I labeled and pretended I knew all about a person, what’s important to them and what’s not, putting them in a box, but not really listening. I just believed I had it down to a science. So, like my own personality says, I cut to the chase and just wanted to know what I needed to know to get the job done. 

This of course is not God’s way. Putting your agenda before a person is not right. Love is right, caring, listening, believing, and investing time, that’s what’s important. I wish I had known all this before I simple blurted out, “Your personality is that of a perfectionist.”

“I’m not a perfectionist.”

“But everything you do is perfect.”

“Perfect in your eyes, maybe but it’s not perfect.”

(That statement sort of proved my statement was true because with perfectionist, it’s never good enough.)  

The point being, that being right, that she is a perfectionist was not worth the pothole it put into our relationship….and it has taken a long time to build that relationship up to where it is already. But I cannot take back what I said, only try to mend it. I tried, the next morning; I said, “I had no idea how offended you would be over that word….” Before I could get out the words, “I’m sorry” she barked out, “I wasn’t offended”, A sure sign that she definitely was offended.  

I saw a skit about labeling once. A mom had received a labeler for Christmas one year. It was a great gift until she started putting labels on people. I realize that I don’t want to be labeled because there is such a finality to it. It is impossible to get rid of once you are there. You are put in a box, categorized and given this permanent name. Some things that I have been labeled with that have been tough to get over or grow past; talk too much, bossy, baby sister, stupid (this word was actually a cuss word in my home and to this day I still cringe when I hear someone called by that name.) Awkward, clumsy, jolly green giant, ( I was tallest in my class for years). You would think with all this experience of being labeled myself, I would know better. I do now, but it’s too late. I’ve also been guilty labeling my kids, if they disobey once they are disobedient children, if they cheat on a test they are under suspicion for the next 3 or 4 years!  I am constantly thinking the worst scenario and drawing false conclusions because I don’t want to have a blind eye to the training of my kids but what if we tried some positive labels.  

They are, a child of God, loved by God, given wisdom by God, watched over by God and covered by the blood of Jesus Christ. These are not labels to put them on a pedestal, they are not labels to put pressure on them to be perfect, they are labels to remind them that they got someone who’s got their back. They've got grace. I wish I had shown a little more grace to my sister that day.  I do know that God will help me to clean up this mess because well He’s God, and I think that’s a label He can live with and He can accept that responsibility.  

James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Dealing With Death

Dealing with Death

It's a VERY rainy day today.

The decision should not have been that hard, he looked like death already.

He couldn't wash himself very good anymore and his fur started clumping up.

I waited until summer to shave him,

but his skin was so fragile I cut him once or twice and so I skipped his belly.

When I took him in they must have recognized what a poor caretaker I was.

His belly was covers in dead stickers from where he had been laying in the grass.

He was still feisty though, on the way he tried to break out of his cage

and meowed loudly, mournfully almost. I kept trying to quiet him down.

Finally I rolled down the window and turned up the radio and he settled down.

I missed his meows on the way home. It was quiet.

They put him in a box for me...when I picked it up the bottom was still warm.

I wanted to see him sleeping in the box but when I opened it

they had put him in a plastic trash bag and tied it up tightly.

I almost opened it, but it started spitting rain, I wanted to see him sleeping.

The bag would keep the smell down as he decomposed

so other animals wouldn't try to dig him up, but I wanted to see him sleeping.

He loved to sleep in boxes.

It's raining hard now.

I know that I probably waited even longer than I should have

but he was walking around, even after he broke his leg.

On Sunday morning I found him with his leg hung up in the Y of the chair leg.

When I let him loose I knew he wouldn't be able to walk,

he'd been there all night, eight hours, struggling.

Why didn't God wake me up to come and check on him.

God has done things like that before.

Anyway he was hopping around on three legs

and would purr every time I petted him or picked him up.

He was more than 15 years old. He was a diabetic.

It wasn't right to let him suffer.

Was he suffering or did I just do this for my own convenience.

Euthanasia if very real, but if it is with a person you are playing God.

I did ask God to show me, even before he got his leg caught and broke it, if I should put him down.

Was that my answer. It's not like a person,

you aren't giving them extra time to make sure they have made their peace with God.

They don't even have a soul. Yes it's true, they don't.

But what if God is waiting for something else, me to learn a lesson.

I didn't go in and watch him fall asleep,

I would have made a fool out of myself blubbering all over myself.

I wish I would have gone in. I wanted to see him sleeping in the box.

They pulled all of the machines off of my Grandma. One by one we all said our good byes.

She lived, went home from the hospital and lived for another whole year!

During that time her daughter made amends with her, grew closer to her.

All of this is to teach us, ...something. People are different.

But we can learn something from letting a pet go too.

I'm grateful that I kept him for another whole year.

It gave me something to take care of when no one else in this house needs taking care of.

He was a diabetic, I gave him a shot every morning and every night and special, expensive food.

The only problem is you had to buy the medicine in big people size bottles, it would go bad.

But because I didn't have the proper equipment to check his blood sugar

I didn't know when it went bad, unless I saw the tell tell signs.

Then I just kept giving it to him, like a miracle would take place or something.

I wasn't a very good care taker. The medicine was $100 a bottle.

He loved to sleep in boxes.

He had three different names because no one would agree.

Even at the vet they had two different cats listed...no, I said, it's the same cat.

In his glory days he weight almost 20 pounds.

When we went on walks he would follow us around, like a dog.

I'd be working in the garden and turn around and there he was following me like my own shadow.

He was banished to being an outside cat after being with us for only a month

because he put holes in the water bed....two different times!

He loved to snuggle and he loved to sleep in a box.

When we were throwing boxes away we tossed them on the back porch

so he could sleep in them before we threw them away.

We had him for more than 15 years. I just wish I had seen him one last time, sleeping in a box.

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

I'm all out of love, I'm coming back in for a refill!

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

These words have been running through my brain like a pipe organ. I didn't even know they rest of the song until I looked them up and now it fits even better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you, I can't be too late to say I was so wrong." No this isn't my love song for a broken relationship with some guy, (I've been married for over 30 years and intend to stay that way for a long time to come!) But it is more like me singing it to God because one more time I go fool charge ahead without Him. Yes, I realized I misspelled full then realized it perfectly fits because seriously, I looked like a fool blown fool!

It all started around a holiday, (again) with the questioning of the rules (again) and why can't they change now that I am older. What was the rule; internet shut down and phones plugged in on your desk by 10 on school nights and 11 on weekends.

cards he pulled out-It wasn't the rule with the girls. (I wasn't as smart with the girls)

I'm older now and I'm smart enough not to get onto sites that I know are wrong....(many adults can't even handle that.

and the old but over used one; I just don't understand what the big deal is.

I need to take responsibility for my part:

I didn't ask who he was talking to or say how much longer do you need, (there was obviously a crises caused that needed to be talked out on facebook messaging) personally I think the fact that he told her about someone saying something inappropriate about her (gossip) caused the crises in the first place.... Proverbs 26:20  Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. He should have kept quiet and dealt with it himself!

I didn't ask because for the last several weeks I'll be there in a few minutes means 5 minutes to me and 35 minutes to him. I didn't ask because I didn't want to give him a chance to lie...again.

I apologized for not seeking to be more understanding...he apologizes for not being on time (after I point out that he should step up to the plate and take responsibility for his part and apologize.)

We went to bed,

He- angry because he felt misunderstood, judged and was told no.

Me-exhausted, it was 1:00 AM now and felt like I had to defend myself and my right to set boundaries and establish rules to protect my household and questioning what I could have said or done differently.

Saturday Morning: He has moved the whole X-box system into his room and is hibernating. It is owned by his brother, no he didn't ask permission.

I had asked several weeks ago in passing, "Hey, will you be my date for the wedding that we are invited to since everyone else will be out of town?" His answer, "I guess, if I don't have to work."  (that meant yes to me as long as he didn't have to work)

So I knock on the door:

"Hey we are going to be leaving around 1:15."

"What? where are we going?"

"The Wedding."

"I never said I would go to that."   I repeat the above conversation.

"But I never said yes, I have plans with my friends to go to the beach. Do I HAVE to go?"

Looking back I should be grateful that at least he did recognized that I have some measure of authority, he could have said, I'm not going and you can't make me....he didn't. However at this point gratitude was the last thing on my mind, I snapped. If any of you have ever snapped before then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't then I hope you never have to experience it. I could have jumped on him and started strangling him at that minute but I didn't I slammed the door and walked away, for about 3-10 seconds trying to recover from what felt like a karate side kick right in the gut, that really hurt....yes, it's the day before Mother's day...then I came back and let him have it, put the phone on my dresser (did I mention that this was the upgrade phone that I could have had but I gave him the better phone just a week ago. Ungrateful little tyrant)( yes I'm still seeking God on this and still in the process of forgiving. Wait till we get to the wedding, God sent me a messenger.) get in there and get the dishes done, I had to call him back three times to finish and get this Xbox put away before we leave. And YES you do HAVE to go. I might add that I said all of this hysterically...no completely losing it, no, tyrannically,  maybe, and maybe even satanically!! I hadn't lost it like this since the Christmas episode. And I added some guilt in there too....Thank-you for the Mother's Day present.

The Wedding: We arrive at the wedding, and we are civil to each other (I honestly think I may have scared him and now he is questioning my sanity hoping I don't do something or say something to embarrass him.)

As we stand for the bride to enter I notice the little 3 year old daughter of one of the bridesmaids is standing in the seat of a disabled elderly man (I think her grandfather) . When they say you may be seated I quickly assess he will be left standing because there is no way he can pick up that little girl and sit down at the same time so I quickly grab her out of his seat thinking as soon as we sit down she will jump down from my lap and go climb up into great Grandpa's lap. Although I knew who she was, her parents and her grandparent, this is the first time I have ever held this little girl. I'm thinking she's going to start crying or jump down or try to run to her mama. I hold her up and point out the bride and she waves to her mama and within 2 minutes she is asleep on my lap. You have NO idea what an amazing healing balm this is to my soul. I felt like it was a message from God, "Someone still needs you, and I will not stop using you to comfort others just because your kids are growing up."

Even after the wedding was over I continued to hold her. Joshua did what he does best, mingle and didn't even try to rush off but stayed for the reception. While I am holding this sweet little girl in my arms an old friend, that I haven't seen in a long time, comes and sits down beside me. How are things going? What have you been up to? I ask her desperately not wanting to gossip or spill my woes of my teens when hers seem so well behaved. Another message from God comes flying in. "We are taking care of my mother now, you know I lost my dad over a year ago. I wanted to take care of him, out of love, but with mother it is more out of obligation. She is just so judgmental and makes it hard to love her. I hope when I get older my children don't feel the same way." OUCH!  Thank-you God for giving me the gentle message first before throwing me into the refiners fire! Fighting back tears, I said to her, "you are here by divine design and I needed to hear what you have to say." Then her children walked up and we talked about other things so God didn't even give me a chance to bad mouth my son. Thank-you God, one less thing I need to repent of.  

But that is not all, Sunday morning I go to wake up Joshua for church, "I have to be to work early."  he says. "And miss church again? You tell them that you can't work Sunday mornings or you get up and go to an early service, one or the other but do not miss church again." It's Mother's Day and I'm going to church by myself. Don't get me wrong we had a celebration last week because we knew that 4 of my 9 people would be out of town so I knew it but I just thought Joshua would be with me. Expectations...on Thursday before all this went down I actually pictured him saying, C'mon mom I'll take you out to eat for Mother's Day after church. I actually expected him to think ahead, think about somebody else and give without expecting anything in return. I didn't get to that giving point until after my third child and even then it was sporadic at best! Rather then go to my own church I went to a church where few would know me and ask questions and they had a good worship service, which I needed. But it was more about giving my all in all to God rather then receiving from God. In fact it forced me to quit saying, "What about me?" and start asking, "What do you want from me God?" Faith mainly, that I would believe that there is still hope for Joshua, for me and for our relationship and yes that God can clean up this mess, help me to forgive and move on and let it go. Because He is able to do more than I ask or imagine. That was just in the worship service. During the actually service was how much influence I have over my children, use it wisely. Another OUCH! Again I marvel that God know me, know my weaknesses and still gave me 5 children. Because "for my [His] strength is made perfect in [my] weakness."

Boundless Love, Boundless Love, He has conquered all of death and the grave, I may be all out of love for the moment but God will and already is refilling my tank and give me the grace to love more abundantly.

Messege I heard on the radio this morning!
"Perhaps you should be spending more time teaching responsibility instead of trying to control."

Slut or Flirt?

She's a slut.

That's pretty harsh words coming from a 15 year old, my youngest son and I reprimanded him for it. After all we are homeschoolers, Christian homeshoolers at that, and need to follow protocol. Honestly we've come so far from the "norm" with conservative Christian homeshooling I'm not sure it's possible to ever go back. It all started with me allowing them to bring music other than Christian music into the house. GASP!! I know we fell completely off the wagon. Maybe it had to do with having almost two separate families. First we had the girls then six years later we had 3 more. The first two in the mean time were finding jobs and being thrust out into the world and learning some pretty tough lessons about the "real world". I won't say that I sheltered them but let's face it if you're not in public school the games are totally new to you and can be a slap in the face if you are not warned about them. But that's a different story. This one is about my youngest son. He's the baby of the family, .....my baby. But not anymore....not after today. Today I realize that he is very close to becoming a man if not already full blown, complete with testosterone, hormones an appreciation for a "cute butt".  If I had paid attention I would have saw it coming, he no longer blushed every time someone mentioned the word sex, and we had our share of movies we had to fast forward or completely forgo because of sexual scenes,  but I was in denial that Daniel would not have to struggle with lust, or avoid looking at boobs hanging out, butts poking up and well if you've been to Walmart lately it's not necessary for me to explain myself. I have read many books on the subject and even aloud to them because I desperately want them to avoid being take down to the depths by a "harlot" and know not that it leads to death. If they choose to go that way they will know exactly where it's leading and the price they will have to pay.

Daniel was scheduled to take an SAT test and I dropped him off. "Where do I go," he said, as he looked up at the three story building. "Just follow those girls, they are going to the same place". Little did I know that they herded them in like cattle and he had no choice but to sit behind one of those girls for over four hours, who chose by her actions to be tagged a "slut".  As he described this girl, his words were totally honest, blunt and to the point. In fact I was in shock at how blunt. I shouldn't have been because I have a tendency to "tell it like it is" most of the time but still coming from him on this subject was a little tough to swallow.

"She sat in front of me and every chance she got she stuck her butt up in the air. I admit I looked and she had a cute butt, but that's not the point, she felt it necessary to flaunt it every chance she got. She's a slut."

"That's a little harsh, can we use some other term, flirty?"

"No, she was a slut."

I wasn't as surprised by his harsh judgment so much as I was by his transparency that he looked. How many other 15 year olds would admit that. How could he not look when she is waving it in the air! I wish I could talk to her, does she know that she is acting like a slut, or does she just think she's being flirty? Who is her mother, has she never read about the women in Proverbs. I almost feel sorry for her because of her lack of discretion. But one thing I can celebrate that it is almost guaranteed because of the wisdom God has given my son, he won't be marrying a "slut".

Proverbs 7:10-27  And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart. (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house: Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.) So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,  I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.  Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee. I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves. For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey: He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.  With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him. He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks;  Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that it is for his life. Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth. Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.



"Let's go ladies, time for our morning exercise,

shoulders back, deep breath and jog!"

What did you do on this beautiful Saturday morning. I got up....not because I wanted to but because the dog would not take no for an answer. (D let her out an hour earlier before he went to work!) Then I went back to bed for 30 more minutes...contemplating.  I need to get up, get out there and jog, How late can I wait before I say, "It's too hot."  I got up threw on some shorts and shoes and took off. It 's not because I enjoy running so much, I don't...especially when it's hot, but I do enjoy being outside. Today it was out of necessity that I forced myself to go. I've been on one of those two-day eating binges. Not even five minutes could go by before I had to stick something else in my mouth. Call it nervousness, PMSing, worrying or maybe all three but the point was I had worked my way into feeling tired, fat, ugly and guilty.

When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was eat,  I knew once I got started I wouldn't be able to quit. More contemplation, go to the garage sales or start on my chore list. The first would have just piled on more guilt the second would mean taking my sweaty, stinky self outside and grooming and bathing the dogs. Guilt from my laziness and procrastination this last week won out again and I chose the latter. It was also powerful enough to move me into cleaning off the kitchen table, putting a roast in the crock pot and putting away the clean laundry.

Had I spent my morning sipping tea and doing something I enjoy (i.e. garage selling, reading a book, out to eat with friends)  the world would not have fallen apart and most of the chores would have simply been postponed, right? Something else, somewhere would have had to give, school work, time with D, or maybe just another dinner thrown together. I think my husband deserved better then that after 12 hours of work and after 20 years of faithful work so I can stay home to home school my children.

All that to say that after 20 years I am still fighting for and looking for consistency. I think I'm just looking for immediate results. We would all like to "see' that what we do really matters, did 20 years of homeschooling, training, teaching, talking and disciplining make a difference.  Did anyone even notice my heroic efforts of trying to set a good example. Without a vision, without a purpose and a goal regardless of what we are doing it feels like a waist of time. But it's not just about having a goal it's about having the faith to believe that with God's grace you can reach that goal.

Service without passion, without a vision kills the spirit to even try. The passion part is what I want to pass on to my children.  Do the right thing because you love the Lord and you are fully aware of so much that he has done for you not out of guilt.  That is difficult to teach when I myself lose sight of it every other month. It used to be once a week so I guess I'm making progress. The idea is to realize and recognize that every single thing we do we do unto the Lord. He is not a harsh master he has given us an opportunity to minister and that means  giving us children to help grow US!  By watching us grow, fall, be forgiven, get back up and grow some more we are teaching them about God's grace. By serving our family we are teaching them to serve but by serving as unto the Lord, with joyful heart we are teaching them passion, creating a love in their hearts for God by loving them with actions through God's grace. Teaching them to serve the Lord is not so much about consistency, perfection and definitely not guilt, its about love and compassion and acceptance that they are still learning and growing too.

2 Peter 3:18  But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.