"Let's go ladies, time for our morning exercise,

shoulders back, deep breath and jog!"

What did you do on this beautiful Saturday morning. I got up....not because I wanted to but because the dog would not take no for an answer. (D let her out an hour earlier before he went to work!) Then I went back to bed for 30 more minutes...contemplating.  I need to get up, get out there and jog, How late can I wait before I say, "It's too hot."  I got up threw on some shorts and shoes and took off. It 's not because I enjoy running so much, I don't...especially when it's hot, but I do enjoy being outside. Today it was out of necessity that I forced myself to go. I've been on one of those two-day eating binges. Not even five minutes could go by before I had to stick something else in my mouth. Call it nervousness, PMSing, worrying or maybe all three but the point was I had worked my way into feeling tired, fat, ugly and guilty.

When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was eat,  I knew once I got started I wouldn't be able to quit. More contemplation, go to the garage sales or start on my chore list. The first would have just piled on more guilt the second would mean taking my sweaty, stinky self outside and grooming and bathing the dogs. Guilt from my laziness and procrastination this last week won out again and I chose the latter. It was also powerful enough to move me into cleaning off the kitchen table, putting a roast in the crock pot and putting away the clean laundry.

Had I spent my morning sipping tea and doing something I enjoy (i.e. garage selling, reading a book, out to eat with friends)  the world would not have fallen apart and most of the chores would have simply been postponed, right? Something else, somewhere would have had to give, school work, time with D, or maybe just another dinner thrown together. I think my husband deserved better then that after 12 hours of work and after 20 years of faithful work so I can stay home to home school my children.

All that to say that after 20 years I am still fighting for and looking for consistency. I think I'm just looking for immediate results. We would all like to "see' that what we do really matters, did 20 years of homeschooling, training, teaching, talking and disciplining make a difference.  Did anyone even notice my heroic efforts of trying to set a good example. Without a vision, without a purpose and a goal regardless of what we are doing it feels like a waist of time. But it's not just about having a goal it's about having the faith to believe that with God's grace you can reach that goal.

Service without passion, without a vision kills the spirit to even try. The passion part is what I want to pass on to my children.  Do the right thing because you love the Lord and you are fully aware of so much that he has done for you not out of guilt.  That is difficult to teach when I myself lose sight of it every other month. It used to be once a week so I guess I'm making progress. The idea is to realize and recognize that every single thing we do we do unto the Lord. He is not a harsh master he has given us an opportunity to minister and that means  giving us children to help grow US!  By watching us grow, fall, be forgiven, get back up and grow some more we are teaching them about God's grace. By serving our family we are teaching them to serve but by serving as unto the Lord, with joyful heart we are teaching them passion, creating a love in their hearts for God by loving them with actions through God's grace. Teaching them to serve the Lord is not so much about consistency, perfection and definitely not guilt, its about love and compassion and acceptance that they are still learning and growing too.

2 Peter 3:18  But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.



Losing Grace!

You can let go now dear, we've made it back home....let go

LET GO, you're going to share that thing with me you know!! 

I know, pretty ironic that my next blog would be 'Losing Grace', right? Years and years ago, when I only had two children, I had a day care, 6 kids a day, 5 days a week, every week. "How do you do that?", so many would ask. "It's easy and it's fun", I would reply and although some days were more work than others for the most part it was fun. It was organized and scheduled so that everyone knew what to do. Then we moved. I had made a deal with God that if my husband were to make so much money I would stay home with my kids and just spend time with them. But when we got settled I was once again tempted to start another day care....until I had 5 kids in the house at one time for several hours. What happened.....I don't know, I just know that when it was over I knew that the grace to have a day care was gone! completely! Several times, because I had a bunch of preschool stuff, I tried to get back into it. However, just because you have the stuff, just because your qualified, just because you know how and you like to do it doesn't mean, for now, that it is what God wants you to do. So I waited. Last year I finally gave away my preschool boxes.....over 20 years later! I'm not really a hoarder....I was just waiting....just in case.

Back to the present. I have been home schooling my children for over 20 years but I feel like that grace is slipping. I have two boys left, next year will be their Senior years.....one more year. Surely you don't think God is asking me to stop one year before completion. I don't know, all I do know is that we aren't organized, we don't seem to have a schedule and I feel more like I'm in over my head than ever before. Maybe, I'm just tired.

Last week I finished my last Sunday School lesson and turned in my resignation. It was a Ladies SS Class. For a full month only one person was showing up and I'm not sure it wasn't out of sympathy. This week someone showed up who hadn't been there in six weeks....she didn't know where to go. Did I hear wrong? In a church of 400 you should have  more than 1 person....shouldn't you?

I need grace to hear you Lord, I need to recognize your voice above my emotions. I'm tired of the guessing games.  I need the grace to let go if that is your will for me. I need the motivation to act on something outside myself. We still have two more months to finish out this year, I need a schedule, they need a schedule. I can't seem to find the strength to insist that it be done my way or even on time....is that letting go? I don't think so, that's just being lazy! Maybe I just need a shot of energy in the arm.

Galatians 6:9-10  And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

How Come I Get all the Grace?

Perfect hair do

Perfect stance

everything should go....perfectly, right?

Almost a year ago my son Daniel had open heart surgery. The whole incident was a tremendous God story. He was born with a vessel going straight through his heart. It should have been neatly laying on top. Fourteen year old Daniel has always been active but when he started basketball he was pushed beyond just being active and the sharp pain over the top of his heart made us take notice. Through it all God pushed us to take action, gave us wisdom, then gave us peace. We had the best doctors, the best hospital and there was never any doubt in my mind that Daniel was going to come through "fixed" and ready to go out and play some more basketball. I have been wrong before but I figured if God had sustained his life for this long, it was obviously for a purpose. He could have died, any day, running and jumping like any ordinary boy but God held him firm. He hurt his back at the beginning of basketball that year and wasn't able to go full speed the whole season. He bought a pair of running shoes that he was anxious to try out, they delayed the shipping almost a whole month...until after we had a diagnosis. God planned out every step along the way.

 

Chelsea a beautiful little 5 year old had a heart defect from birth also. She recently underwent open heart surgery. A week later she was fighting for her life in ICU because of complications. Many, many prayers went up for Chelsea asking for God's healing power.  God chose to give Chelsea the ultimate healing, Chelsea went to be with the Lord.  All up and down facebook are memories and pictures of sweet Chelsea. They had a Celebration of Life for her and released balloons. She was beautiful but today her family grieves. Do they have peace or are their minds churning with 'why" questions?  Did God also plan this out every step of the way? I know that God is still good and he was there.

Isaiah 55:11  So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Sometimes I get it into my head that I deserved that. I didn't. You can't do anything good enough to deserve the love, acceptance or favor of God. King David was one of his favorites, but God took his first born son. Granite we all say, he deserved it because of his adultery with Basheeba. But don't we all "deserve it" for one sin or another? I mean it should be that anything good we get should come as a shock, not the other way around. Let's face it, how many of us can honestly say we are unselfish and totally devoted to God and his ways no matter what? I am constantly trying to understand and put some reason to God's grace and the way he doles it out.  Is he giving Chelsea's family enough grace and understanding to realize there are no guarantees and to graciously be grateful for the time they had with Chelsea. Will they be able to comfort others that lose children. What was the point?
 

Isaiah 55:9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 

I will probably not understand until I get to heaven, and even then maybe not. The more I try, the more confused I become. God's grace and mercy is amazing and I know that we ALL have more than we deserve. Sometimes I feel guilty because I seem to have an over abundance! If Daniel had died would I have been grateful for the years we got to have with him, or would I have turned into a bitter, angry woman. I can not say for sure, I don't think anyone knows until they have actually gone through it. Some have gone through a tremendous amount of pain and others seem to float along with only minor hurdles. But I can not judge what goes on inside, only God can. I can only leave it to him and trust his judgment. Thank-you God for your mercy and grace in my family, I am overwhelmed because of the blessing you have poured out on our family. Please be with Chelsea's family and provide them with mercy and grace enough to bring them comfort and peace.

Romans 9:14-16  What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid. For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy..

Killing Two Birds With One Stone

Don't Panic, I'm not dead yet.

I just need a little loving kindness and I'll be back to normal!

It came out of no where. Well, actually a secret arsenal had been building up. I had no idea it even existed!! Joshua called, and ask if he could stay a third night with his friends. Red flags went up and I knew he shouldn't but I said yes anyway, because I couldn't think of a good reason to say no. He did have school work to do the next day but he assured me he had gotten enough sleep the night before. Before I got through with the phone call, however, I had to ask the usual motherhood questions. Where are you, who are you with, etc.... It was not so much the questions as it was the way I was asking them.... after each answer I would say...sooooo you've just gotten out of the movies. Sooooo your with Tyler and John. Sooooo and on and on it went. Each time the "sooooo" said "I'm really not believing you." 

My daughter, Melody, who always has an opinion, is overly honest and sometimes excessively negative was listening to the conversation. First mistake:  I ask after I got off  the phone what she was thinking. "I wouldn't want to come home either." she boldly replied. I went off, not a little bit, a lot of bit, a wicked witch of the west bit, I can't remember the last time I acted that bad bit!  It could have been the nonchalant way she said it like she was a know it all and had already raised her children. More likely though it was and is my raw feelings towards my own judgment of my progress with my relationship with Joshua. I really believe that I am making progress. It is slow but it is progress!  

The next day I paid again for wanting to be a "yes mom" and not wanting to rock the boat. In fact I almost capsized it completely! Monday after Joshua got home he slept until 1. Although he had gotten enough sleep the Saturday night, obviously Sunday night was a different story. I ask him to do three things that day, finish your school work(1 subject he was behind in) take out the trash and clean your bathroom.  By 6:00 he said (not asked) he was going into town with his dad, just for a couple of hours. I said no, but he said the paper was done, and he would clean the bathroom when he got back home it would only take 15 minutes... 6:30, I discover the paper is not finished....only part of it. 9:00 the paper is finished, 11:00 PM the bathroom is still not finished, threats, reminders, etc ensue...I go to bed (3 different times) lacking any peace, in fact their isn't any peace in the whole house.    

I apologized to Miranda, she was right, and if I were honest I wouldn't come home either. But whether she will be that honest with me again remains to be seen. The worst part is that I DID ask her for her opinion. Joshua had not told the "whole" truth..there were others with them, girls to be exact, not a good trust builder. Not that they were doing anything wrong, but it's just the idea; Can I trust you, when it looks like you're hiding something? Yes, he got the bathroom clean and he didn't get grounded for his procrastination.  

So where do I go from here, Which way is up. Well for one thing I should have trusted my instincts and just said no, enough is enough, come home. I also should have stuck to my no the next day on staying home and finishing the three things I asked him to do for the day. Thirdly, setting consequences for the procrastination was fine but emotionally pounding them into the ground was unnecessary and did not change the circumstances or help anyone. I was more frustrated with myself than anyone else. Overall it was the feeling of being shanghaied or swindled.  I'm sure you could throw a little pride into the mix too, but it was no one's fault but my own. The manipulation process takes two people, the manipulator and the one that allows themselves to be manipulated. I let my guard down.  I still have authority, I still have some control. I am in the process of releasing control over to God but transitions are messy and nothing is concrete. The whole process will probably be several years down the road or when he is financially independent of us. Until then how will I know when to let him make decisions or when to be a yes mom or a no mom. Again I say, it's messy. I will have to stay alert and close to God, and listen and at the same time continue practicing love and showing kindness towards him. Relationships could have died this night, but God's grace will prevail.

Colossians 3:12-13  Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

1 Peter 5:8  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Time is a Gift

There we were out there in the cold hunting around the side of a lookout mountain for....keys? No, sunglasses? No, a jacket? No! We were looking for a little bottle, others had already found it.  You find it, take out the little piece of paper and sign your name on it and the date then put it back where you found it and leave.

     It seems like I spend half my life looking for things, my keys, the check book, my purse, the school book that I'm supposed to be teaching out of RIGHT NOW, the shovel, my glasses, you name it, I've looked for it! So when my husband ask me if I wanted to go look for a hide and seek thing with his GPS I don't know what possessed me to say...."ok".  Off we went on this crazy adventure, getting little clues with the phone off of the internet. This is something you do with children to teach them to use a compass, and find GPS coordinates. With just us this is not using our time very productively.... so I thought.

     We found the first one without too much trouble. There was a certain hint of .... victory.  I had to run back to the car to get a pin so we could write the date and declare with the many others, "We were here and we were successful!" We rolled the pieces of paper up and put it back in to it's home, where it had been for years!       

     As we headed towards home, D asked the next question. "Daniel and I could not find the one in here," (my thoughts, he has time to do this with Daniel, why don't I have any time to do anything just for fun? And when did they do this?) "Would you like to go in and see if you and I can find it?" "Sure, why not," I say. He makes the turn into the cemetery and we go searching.
     We see babies burial grounds, 1 day old, 3 days old, I am grateful for my children and the time I get to have with them. Seeing graves dated back into the 1800s, suddenly makes it feels like we are on sacred ground. Carefully and respectfully we continue searching. We are there for 30 minutes and we can't find it. It's frustrating, has someone moved it? Why would they spoil it for someone else? Maybe it got washed away with the rain. "Wait a minute, what difference does it make? "Why are we wasting time here?" is a thought trying to come out of the logical part of my mind. As we prepare to write in on the web site and say can't find it D shows me some pictures...one is a little boy digging around inside the bush that we have just been walking around for 10 minutes. My competitive spirit jumps into my thoughts, "well if a little boy can find it, hmph!" "Well", I say, "if we need to dig inside the bush...we dig!" I start digging, pulling leaves out with my fingers, (that's why the little boy was digging, everyone else's hands were too big to fit between the branches). Within a few seconds I pull out a little 4 inch contraption and sure enough, it has papers rolled up inside. We've done it again, yay!

     Wait a minute, what exactly did we accomplish? Nothing; I could have had the dishes done by now, or the floor swept. Fortunately we went on our walk first and got our exercise in for the day. When did we start adding up our lives according to what we got accomplished that day? It wasn't "nothing". It was precious. It was time, with my husband, doing something he enjoys doing. It was being outside, instead of in here in front of a computer, it was his love language.

      I'm sure you've heard of the book, "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. The list of 5 is this, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, or Acts of Services. Today I spent time loving my husband with "Quality Time". It wasn't hard but it did cost me time and I had to be 'available'. And now that I'm looking back it was fun and it was time well spent. My husband has been on a diet, accepting little left over scraps from my time. I praise God that he has been patient, but he's been patient long enough. It's not easy, we are all busy trying to raise children, teach them and time is not something that we have an over abundance of. There is always going to be one more thing to do, but I personally have to be careful not to choose the good over the best. Today, at least for a few hours, my husband was my top priority and that will be happening more often.

A New Act

Every Parrot I know can ride a bike Penny,
you're going to have to come up with something
better than that!

Take it or leave it, it's the best I can do!!

Sunday Morning church bonus question for a check up on how your heart is doing;

Ask your children-What does it feel like being parented by me?

Daniel: a circus

Melody: but one that we've seen over and over again so we have it memorized...
Me: so what you are saying is I need a new act?
Melody: yes.

Oh God I'm all out of acts, scripts, new ideas...I just want to be done, the joy is gone the laughter is gone, and no matter how hard I try to get out of this rut I just keep slipping back down into the demonic, "accuser of the brethren" angry, ugly monster. Circus?  More like  a horror show, I can't do this anymore. Not even one day goes by without me being angry. Not even one day goes by with out me expressing my disappointment. Who could live up to never being good enough. I've never been good enough, how I can tell them that they are good enough.

Joshua's answer: Like you don't care about how I feel and you don't understand my side of it and what I'm going through, nor do you even want to try.

A long conversation commenced. In a nut shell I can write down how I feel,

You lied,

it doesn't seem like it's a big deal to you
you don't seem to care how I'm feeling or how hard this is for me
you don't show me any respect
I'm finding it hard to forgive you
or treat you with respect
you don't seem to be sorry
show any remorse
any humility
and this hurts
and I think it should be over but it just won't go away
and you don't seem to care.

And Joshua can sign it.   

Any of you who have mirror image children can understand what I'm talking about here, if I were more than 20 years younger we would have been twins! No we don't look the same but we think alike, talk alike and act like! It is unnerving at times.

I did lie, and I apologized for it, I said I wouldn't bring it up again but there it was, like vomit I couldn't have kept it down even if I had wanted to. There was too much disappointment in my heart, to much hurt, shame and too much anger, but this was not the way and I knew better.

It was like my mouth had a mind of it's own.  

I made up excuses...like he did.
Since I apologized for it I didn't expect it to come up again....it did.

We both needed understanding, we both needed compassion, we both needed mercy.

Who's going to make the first move? Who's going to be the bigger person. Well you would think the older one of us, the more mature Christian, right? The Mom!! But you don't know how many times I've already messed up, like Melody says at the top it's the same old act over and over again. Attempt, anger, frustration, hurt......then the pain spews out of my heart and we are further back than where we started from! So I need a new act, it needs new actors, starring Love, with Mercy and Grace and Wisdom as supporting actors. I need to fire anger, offense and pain and send them packing up to God so he can deal with them appropriately.

James 3:17-18  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

James 1:20  For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

1 Corinthians 13:8  Charity never faileth: ....

By God's grace, through His strength, according to His will.

I need to start rehearsing-memorizing James 3:17-18 is a good start, I hear the word of God is powerful and can change people.

From My Head to My Heart

"Shhhhh, I think your heart is speaking to me!"

It was a ladies meeting...

The speaker was talking about your earliest memory.

She stated that these earliest memories are still there because your emotions were extremely high when they occurred, they were imprinted on your heart. Some of these memories may be lies that you have believed for years. It is not enough to know the truth in your mind but you need to move the truths you know in your mind (intellectual)  down to your heart (emotional) or the lies in the heart will win out every time.

I began flipping back through the pages in my mind of my earliest memory.

Like a magazine in the wind the pages began flipping faster and faster, each one yelling out the message that I have believed and tried to disprove all my life. "You are not good enough".

Now what,

I can waller around in all those memories or

I can replace that message that has been written on my heart over and over again with the truth.

"Because of Christ and his redemption I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing,

totally accepted and complete in Christ. "

This came out of a book entitled In Search of Significance by Robert S. McGee. I went through this study many years ago so this truth should be written on my heart, right? Wrong, over and over again because of something I see as failure comes up and chokes out the truth, fear grips me again and I begin grasping ahold of the lie, "You are not good enough".

We get so caught up in the whirlwind of the "cares of this world" that we don't even realize that Satan moves in slowly, very sneaky and before we know it we are not only believing the lie we are living it. That wouldn't be so bad if it just involved me but my actions, and my words are imprinting that same lie on the hearts of my children. Now Satan has crossed the line, and it is time to pull out the weapons of warfare!

2 Corinthians 10:4-5  (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

My first weapon being truth. God loves us and accepts us just as we are, failures and all. We are righteous because of the blood of Jesus Christ not because of anything we do. This is tough, especially when your trying to teach your kids about the fear of the Lord and you will reap what you sow. How else are you supposed to make them behave? "However, the focus of the gospel is on relationships, not regulations. Christ's exercise of His lordship in our lives is dependent on our attending to His moment-by-moment instruction. Focusing only on rules will relegate our lives to the prison of self-examination." We can't use religion "Religion says, 'I obey, therefore I am accepted.' Christianity says, 'I am accepted, therefore I obey.'Alistair Beg" Grace and Love and Mercy these are the things that I need to be mesmerized by, entranced, soak in, and live out.

2 Corinthians 6:1  We then, as workers together with him, beseech you also that ye receive not the grace of God in vain.