"STAND BACK! I am in control here!"

Oh brother.

 

Who’s in Control?

One more time I find myself grasping at straws…yes straws because they are so useless. I asked my class, if you have a choice, would you rather pound a nail in with a hammer or a straw. Of course we would all choose the hammer; after all it only takes a little common sense, right? But if we are not careful, if we act on our “natural” instinct we will look down and find the straw in our hands once again. You see the straw represents worry and the hammer represents prayer.  The straw represents our power, the hammer represents God's power.

Joshua has come to us to say, “I need some help.”  Financial help is what he was talking about. I fought the urge to recite all the dumb things he has spent his money on, but even so I still managed to throw in a few jibes. Why do I do that, I know better. You can NOT do an inside job from the outside.

Job 38:36  Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?  The answer of course is God….not me.  Common sense, no it is going to take an act of God. You see Jesus came because we cannot change ourselves, without the grace of God it is impossible. Romans 6:14-16  For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? Yes, we can expect our children to make wise decisions, but only if we are praying for God’s grace and mercy to be upon their lives and only if we are praying for God to implant wisdom into their hearts. Even Paul, one of the greatest apostles had trouble with this. What makes us think we won’t! Romans 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.  It is a hopeless situation, impossible to fix…..without Jesus. Romans 7:24-25  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.  But we will never be completely free from sin until we are rid of the flesh.

So back to Joshua, although D is in the room I take over the proceedings of “loaning” him money.  We discuss how much, we discuss the terms of paying it back. I say; “We will automatically deduct $50 out of your account every pay period. If you want to pay more than that to get it paid off sooner, you can just let us know.”  Later I am discussing it with D and  his opinion differs…. just like the sinner, know it all, prideful person that I am, unlike all I’ve been teaching about respecting your husband I shoot him down. “I have read the books about ADD and I know more than you do. He is incapable of paying bills on time, especially to family. Look at the past experiences!”  Wow, as I put that in writing it makes my stomach churn….”If you enable a child, you disable them."  The memory of this little quote on my refrigerator punches me in the stomach. 1 Corinthians 10:13  There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  There are lots of should’ves, would’ves and could’ves, but the bottom line is I DO NOT want Joshua to fail so I grasped for control again to make it “easy” for him.  However by automatically taking it out of his bank account he doesn’t have to learn anything, have any responsibility, or learn to budget his money.  Ya, and I got onto D about always being too willing to help out and rescuing him.

Bottom line, I didn’t trust God, I didn’t trust D and I don’t believe there is any hope in growth or change for Joshua- or so spoke my actions. That these thoughts are Satanic and sin, because that means I don’t believe God and I don’t believe His Word.  

 Psalms 51:1-13  Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.  Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Mark 9:23-24   Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Cover me in your blood Lord Jesus, put wisdom in my heart, change my doubt into faith and give me the grace to hope and strength to let go and the knowledge to know that your Word is true and your power is able, and you are enough, in my life and in Joshua’s life.  In Jesus name. Amen.



 

 

 

BLOW UP!!

 

I am looking back trying to find out where exactly I went wrong…I looked at my scriptures about words and speech that I had studied yesterday and recognized that I did everything exactly the opposite of what I had prayed for that day…or did I really pray?….did I just determine in my mind that this is what I was going to do with determination and self-discipline? Maybe. Did I have a wound that had been festering, building up, and chose last night to open up and let all its poisons out onto my whole household. Yes.  Was I determined to just take it? Instead of setting the consequences and following through I just “let it go”. Not really. I stuffed it. So sooner or later it was going to come out. Then I get on face book and twice I get the message; Who are you working for? Whom do you serve? Who do you obey?   

My first thought is, “The kingdom I have built is falling down around me.”  My second thought is, “You built?”

Psalms 127:1 Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

Then I begin to feel hopeless and I know that Satan is involved because the message, “There is no hope.” always comes from Satan.

Psalms 146:5  Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the LORD his God:

I am not happy right now! I feel like Satan is winning.

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

I didn’t want to use this scripture today because I feel failed and forsaken…I am still dealing with something I dealt with 20 years ago, inconsistency. Some things never change. I have gone around this mountain so many times that I can lament with Joshua, “I’ve heard all this before.”  Set the consequence then follow through a few times, oh yay your doing so good, a week goes by they push the limits again….I drop the ball, there is no consequence so a little more pushing the limits, a little more pushing the rules, a little more and then I blow.

Joshua 1:9  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

What if God never commanded me to be strong?  What if he was only talking to Joshua? What if I’m just a weakling and I really can’t handle it.

2 Corinthians 12:9  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Weak or strong he is with me, and it’s His strength not mine. 

I really messed up last night totally blew up and became the wicked witch with a capital B. How could God let me go that far and not stop me? Why would he do that, to humble me one more time?

James 4:10  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

But according to this we are supposed to humble ourselves.

Isaiah 10:33  Behold, the Lord, the LORD of hosts, shall lop the bough with terror: and the high ones of stature shall be hewn down, and the haughty shall be humbled.

Either way I’m humbled.  And as for haughty, see “first thought” above!

Why am I blaming God….because he promised to change me, he promised to cleanse me, he promised! When will I EVER move past this same ole junk… consistency, how hard can it be. It’s actually harder now then it was before and I couldn’t do it then…not consistently anyway!

Micah 6:8  He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

How can you do justly and love mercy at the same time?

Romans 12:8  Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness.

It’s that “with cheerfulness that I have a real problem with and again, I’m supposed to rule with diligence AND show mercy WITH cheerfulness. I can’t do it.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

An inconsistent parent teaching inconsistent children, really?  Then the "if onlys" jump in and I am forced one more time to examine my beliefs; Is God really sovereign? Does everything really happen for a reason? What about the mother that killed her 5 children? What about all the abused children? Why on earth would you give me 5 children so I would fail over and over again?!

This question he answers, as tears are streaming down my face, in a quiet whisper inside my head. “To teach you mercy.”

Psalms 57:10-11  For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.

 

 

 

It only takes an hour to solve the problems of the world.

Do you ever get caught in that little rut, reading books, watching movies just to escape reality for a little while? I was talking with my daughter, Jan, the other day and ask her what were some of her favorite books she has read this year. "I don't think I've read any." What?!, she used to read plenty! "I love my life, I really don't have anything to escape from anymore."  Is that what I'm doing? I usually read books to grow, you know the self help books. But just recently I came upon a TV series that I can get from Netflix called Lark Rise to Candleford. It is an amazingly, slow moving, no car races, no shooting....well you get the picture. It reminds me of 'Little House on the Prairie', the series I watched when I was growing up. Melody, my college kid sat down and watched a little of it with me last night and started laughing at the awkward moments, you know, when people are actually talking to work things out. They aren't texting or emailing they're just living life without computers. So we got in this argument where I was trying to explain to her that this is real life, worrying about your hair or what color of shoes you are going to wear with an outfit like most 'college girls' do is not real life. She took offense, I took offense, so I did what I do best. I went off and contemplated why I was so offended. Probably the number one reason is that these movies were bringing me peace by allowing me to escape reality for just a little while. Not that my life is that bad but when I really started considering it, it hit me. I wanted this to be my reality.

I wanted everything to be fixed in an hour. I wanted my brothers cancer to be gone in an hour. I wanted Joshua to have common sense and learn instinctively what the right thing to do is, and Daniel to understand the value of communication and the value of showing someone they are valuable so that his relationships and future relationships will be perfect. I want the Beaton's to get counseling and get fixed- instead of getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage due to pornography.  I want Sally and Dave to make restitution with their son and see their grandchildren for the first time in a year. All of this I would like to see happen in one hour. I don't want to be God, I just want things to be right. I want to be worry free, I want to be comfortable and not have to worry for a day.

And where have we landed after this roller coaster, non-reality, show ride. Right back in the middle of a comfort-zone addict mentality? The show in and of itself is not bad, I love it. But the feelings of just wanting life to be simple, carefree, and well-comfortable, is a problem. Especially if I would rather have that above God's will.  I have wrestled with this before but this time I don't think it is that serious. I think I'm just tired and I need to give myself permission to take a break or "escape"... just for a few hours without feeling guilty. I know where my real peace comes from, I know who the author of miracles and "fixing" things is. Jesus Christ, my redeemer, the Holy Spirit my Comforter, and God, all knowing, full of wisdom, and totally in control. Now that is something to rest in!

 

To Eat or Not To Eat

I could tell by his reaction that he felt like a child. I certainly felt like a mother. It just hit me so hard that he really thought that was going to be ok with me. What was it all about? Eating! He was getting ready to go into work and because I thought he had stopped for a big lunch I was just going to make him a small salad. So the simple question. "Sweetie, did you stop for lunch this afternoon, I didn't think you would be that hungry." "No, I stopped for breakfast." "What?" "Yeah, I stopped by the doughnut shop and got three CAKE doughnuts." "Really?" I honestly thought he was joking, but he was DEAD serious. "Hey, I got three cake doughnuts instead of three glazed doughnuts, those are better right."  Really?!!!

Let me back up, we have always been one of those homeschooling families that "tries" to eat right. In the beginning we started with plain cheerios and no candy or pop in the house. It was a real treat when Daddy took you out for a 'sodie pop' because they were rare and far between. Five kids and 27 years later three of my children are Dr. Pepper holics, and Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Mini Wheats are a common sight in my home. For my part I will not by 'sodie pops' and bring them in the house, but the teenagers buy their own when they are out and of course Daddy still treats.

Now, because of some test that have come back my sweet husband is at risk and fear has entered the equation. This is the way I see it- How can someone who loves the heck out of me, would give me the shirt of his back, take a bullet for me and has worked so hard for me so I could stay home with my kids nonchalantly, single handedly try to take away from me my most precious possession?- Him! I just don't think he gets the seriousness of it. Point number two, he is the smartest man I know. He can fix anything, build anything and if he doesn't know, given enough time, he can find out the answer. How can he not know that doughnut shops are completely off limits? I took it as a personally affront even though I know that he didn't mean it that way...we all have weak moments, right? I can not MAKE him eat right, I can do everything right here at the house but the minute he leaves he's like a 16 year old boy, driving the car for the first time! FREEDOM, finally. I don't wan to be that naggy wife that he avoids! Why couldn't he have just had a greasy hamburger, fried chicken, anything but that...fried, and sugar together!

I myself am struggling along, (as I pour cream, that does not have cream as a listed ingredient, into my tea)trying to MAKE myself exercise, stop stress snacking and stay away from things that I know make me feel drowsy, confused and irritated but my blood test came back normal, THAT'S the difference. Forgive my yelling, I guess I'm still pretty upset about it all. In fact I have a confession to make. His mom sent home two small fruit cakes for Christmas. No one in our house likes fruit cake....except D. So I made a deal, with him, I will cut them into pieces and put two small pieces in each bag then you can take out one a day. He agreed. Yesterday after hearing the confession about the doughnuts, I tossed it; One whole fruit cake in the trash. I'm also considering not buying any candy for the kid's stockings this year...and tossing the other fruit cake too!

So you decide, is this sin? A desire for control? A lack of trusting God? Just me throwing a fit, anger? A legitimate concern? I do know that with God fear should NOT be part of the equation.

All in all I still love him to pieces and hey, at least he told the truth. He could've just said, "No, I didn't eat lunch." which would've also been true, the doughnuts were for breakfast.

Back to the praying board!

Proverbs 23:1-3  When thou sittest to eat with a ruler, consider diligently what is before thee: And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite. Be not desirous of his dainties: for they are deceitful meat.

 

 



The New Mom

Transition; Mom the Boss and Teacher to Mom the Friend, Confidant, Adviser, Supporter

 

Sometimes it feels like your whole world is turned upside down. The things that you thought you had control of you actually have no control at all, the people you thought you knew...changed and the strength you were relying on is gone. The way I'm talking you might be thinking, " oh my goodness, divorce, death, fire, catastrophic storm, what is it?" None of the above, just kids, growing up. I've already talked about transition but it would be nice if it were over in a couple of weeks. It's not....it takes longer than that. It would be nice if all these emotions and hormonal imbalances did not accompany me every step of the way, but no, it appears that that is part of it. If I could just be a little wiser, know a little more, surrender a little faster, let go a little easier....No, "When have you ever done anything the easy way?!" Sigh. So now what. It's always the same, it never changes.

"The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of then that make peace." So how do I get rid of this war that is roaring inside of me and fighting and kicking and screaming every step of the way!" Philippians 4:6-7  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.- Don't worry? It seems to be my greatest past time lately, that and trying to grasp back ahold of the control that I never had in the first place! My greatest fear....dare I even put it down on paper....yes, bring it out into the light so it is no longer in the darkness and Satan can no longer use it against you. My greatest fear is the future. Will my children grow up to become what God has called them to be or will they jump ship and become a tool for Satan. There is no middle ground for me, either you are doing good or you are creating havoc. Yet my expectations of my children are so much higher then I could attain. What took me years to get, I expect them to get in a day. Don't waist time making mistakes ...once again the Lord reminds me everyone has to go through the refiners fire. Would you have them not grow, not shine like lights in the universe, just to sit in their previous accomplishments and rot. No, let them out, let them learn, let...them....fall.

It is interesting that after you have spent your whole motherhood, preaching, giving advice, training and preaching some more it comes back.

Melody: Mom it's time to change, you were the youngest in the family and it's almost like you can't let go of this wonderful control and being the boss that you have found in having children. You almost enjoy it too much. You want to continue on and on but it's time.

Mom: He's only 16.

Melody: Yes but even you said he is a very mature 16. He can't be compared to other 16 year olds or even older teenagers.

Mom: He's still a sinner capable of making mistakes.

Melody: Then let him make them and learn from them just like the rest of us have to.

Mom: I'm not ready to do that yet.

Melody: It's happening whether your ready or not and the tighter you hang on the more stress you bring into the household, into your life, your relationships and their lives. LET GO!

Mom: It's not as easy as all that. (Thoughts: You don't even have kids, how do you know so much? Oh yeah, I've been talking to you, training you, pointing out others who won't let go,...how sick they are and miserable.)

Melody: I know but you need to start somewhere, let them live their own lives.

Mom: He's only 16.

Joshua: Not 13.

Mom: Can we just pretend for a little while longer. Sometimes you act like your 13.

Daniel: I'm not the one you should be yelling at.

Mom: I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at the.....stove....just let me get this out of my system.

Daniel: I can still hear you, stop.

Joshua: I know, you've said that already.

Melody: You are done being that kind of a mom, it's time to change, to become a mentor, a friend.

Mom: They still need guidance, boundaries, I can't just drop all of that.

Melody: Not all at the same time but at least quit telling them what time to go to bed!

Mom: He kissed his girlfriend when they had only been going out a month, that was stupid and they are moving way too fast. Don't they know that the train will only pick up speed and it has no breaks!

Melody: He's going to have to learn that for himself.

Mom: He won't study unless I am right there on his back.

Melody: He may have to fail a test....or even a class.

How many times do I have to go through this...it's a learning process. The last one is the hardest to let go of. No, the one that doesn't seem to be able to do it on his own is the most difficult. My biggest fear is that they will fail, mess up and pay for the rest of their life...but I am leaving God's grace out of the equation. I am forgetting his mercy in my own life, in my own failures and his amazing blessings, in spite of me. God is big enough to handle my children and their futures. I must remember that it is he that puts wisdom into the hearts of the children and he that protects them and is with them every single step of the way.

Oh Lord please direct the paths of my children and help them to trust you. And give me the strength, the knowledge and the faith to let go, in your way and in your timing, not my own. In Jesus name, Amen

 

Why Me?

You always get the biggest piece, it's my turn!

How bout we flip a coin?

Sure, I'll hold the cob, you flip.

 

Why Me?

Sometimes instead of asking why did this happen to me, we are asking why didn't this happen to me? Very Similar to "How come I get all the grace?" Why do I have to constantly questions God's reasoning? I've already recognized and come to grips with the fact that every good and perfect gift comes from above. I can't earn God's grace. But I still want an explanation... I want to be ready....I want to know the reasoning so I can control it a little more, even when I'm getting more than my fair share.

D and Daniel were in an accident last Monday. Daniel, (15, with a learners permit) was driving, drifted off the road at 70 miles per hour and over corrected. Went across the road into oncoming traffic, there wasn't any. That's the first MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. Then they hit a tree which slid the car around and rammed the passenger door into another tree. D had minor injuries, three stitches, and some x-rays were done because his ribs were bruised from the door coming in about 9 inches. Daniel walked away with a scratch. Another MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. I am so grateful and I am praising God for watching over our family and protecting my son and my husband. But I also felt guilt for being so blessed. Isn't that crazy?  

 

I called my friend and talked to her and ask her if she ever feels angry when she hears stories like mine. She has a handicapped child that was in an accident because someone didn't put the chains on when they hooked up a trailer. It came off and slammed into their van right where the little 4 year old girl was sitting. The timing was too perfect, she was near death for quite a while but when she woke up she wasn't the same. I would be angry, I would be asking why me God. She said, "I can't dwell on it."  Am I the only one that is still so carnally minded?  

We put a picture of the car on fb. I couldn't help but think about a young girl who lost her brother in a car accident about 4 or 5 years ago. Was his car the same color as ours? Did our rejoicing bring up horrific pictures in her mind of her brother. Was she asking the question, "Why them and not us Lord?" I think I would be.  

 

I know God is good and His ways are pure and I'm not always going to understand. I'm so grateful he understands me; My mixed up emotions, my questioning thoughts and my guilty feelings. And he still loves me and he continues to bless our family. No I'm not going to stand around and drown in guilt and I'm not going to be tense waiting and wondering when it will be my turn. I'm going to enjoy the goodness of the Lord and do my best to walk in the Spirit and glorify God.  

Galatians 5:25  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 

When someone gives us a gift that we know we don't deserve there is something inside of  us that makes us want to become someone that deserves it. It's not about being someone we are not as much as it is about being all that God called us to be.  

Luke 12:48..... For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

I know I can not control what will happen tomorrow, but "I will not fear because God is with me". He will give me the grace to do what he has called me to do because his grace is sufficient for me. I'm still reeling in gratitude, and yes, a little bit of guilt but eventually this event will just be a memory. Hopefully we will remember God's amazing grace in the midst and thank Him once again that our world as we know it was not changed forever on that day.  

Psalms 34:4  I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

The Ride

• Would you mind giving me a lift? 

These pictures represent two VERY different kinds of rides! We live in the country so every chance we get we group together to save gas. This particular time was not was not a good time. I had planned it out so carefully, I was going to go get my haircut while the boys went to football practice. I thought it would be ok with everyone but cramping the style and changing the plans of a 17 year old boy is serious business. First the time change that he had to be there, 2:00 instead of 3:00. Ok, I'll drop you off. Secondly, I would be driving his car, you know the one. The one we are paying insurance on, bought for him and now because he is jobless, paying gas for him to haul himself and his little brother around to football practice and anywhere else he wants to go, apparently. (time for Deep breath)  Now you would think it would be no big deal, he drives my car when the need arises....it was a big deal.  

So here are some tips if you want to "share the ride" with your teenage son.

1. Let them know PLENTY ahead of time....mainly so they can figure out a way to finagle out of it. Putting things on them at the last minute is not a good thing....especially when they have made MANY plans that you don't know about that they plan on springing on YOU at the last minute. But we are seeking peace here....so plenty of warning.

2. Be prepared for them to say no that won't work for me, please figure out something else to do.  (time for Mini lesson in give/take relationships....not take/take relationships or give/give relations.)

3. Try to understand their "I'm so frustrated with you" attitude and see things from their side; me, myself and I and what's best for me!

4. Gripe them out! Say things you don't mean, lay on the guilt trip.

5. Make it your ambition to remind them at least for the next 5 times they ask you for something, about the expensive price you paid, (attitude, guilt, disrespect, etc). In other words give them back exactly what they gave you....that will teach them.

 

REWIND: Most of the above I did do. I was not prepared for all the drama and attitude and instead of taking action I reacted. If I had stopped and thought about exactly what my reactions would have cost, (words I regretted, making ME look like the teenager,) and what it would accomplish-nothing, I may have done it differently.

1. Pray and practice Gratitude

2. Guard my mouth

3. Grace

We all love grace so much...when we are receiving it, but when we are giving it, yuk. It's tough stuff. Even Jesus Christ, when he stretched out his arms to pour out grace upon us, he was spit on, whipped, and rejected.

When we stretch out our arms to show grace, when we lay down our lives, our rights, our agenda, we are going to get stepped on...but the righteousness of God will spring forth.

 

James 3:17-18  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.