Whooooo gets the glory?

 

Why am I so angry?

As I read an article on line about how some parents are feeding their kids only once a week I became angry. Of course if it was food it would be unheard of but they were talking about spiritually. And then you don’ t really feed them, you let someone else feed them by sending them to church.  As I am reading this article I become more and more angry. It seems to indicate that IF you feed your kids daily on His Word and do this right then your kids would be so much further along.  They wouldn’t become teenagers maybe or wouldn’t make the mistakes that all humans make? Really?  I guess the reason that I became angry is because I fell into this lie trap early on and because I did exactly the opposite I had HIGH expectations, hence my response to the article...

How about the other direction,

how about gorging them every day,

scriptures everyday…singing to them while they are still drinking just milk about the amazing God they will be serving for the rest of their lives.

 Scripture memorization? Of course! 

I used to read half a proverb to them and they could quote the rest. They knew they truth,  they lived the truth. Oh well you must have been hypocrites? No, we lived the truth, we weren’t perfect by a long shot but we fed them the word and practiced serving Him daily. I was with them 24 seven;  we talked of it by the way side, while we were walking, laying down, eating. Maybe we should have served more people, maybe we should have, should have, should have….. We taught them about the pits to avoid, yet some have run to the pit at the first opportunity and jumped in, we told them about how to do things God’s way, they want to do it their own way. 

We did everything….

Wait, everything? No, God had to be in there somewhere, the power of the Holy Spirit weren’t you there?  God, did I imagine it? Was it all me? All flesh ? Legalism?  Please tell me you were there? Please tell me it was not all filthy rags! Please show me that something stuck! Please show me even now that the things they were fed every day counted for something. Please tell me that you are more powerful than genetics, stupidity, foolish ambition, doubt, pride and the lies of Satan. Please God show me some sign that it was not all for nothing. They should be so much farther along in the race, so much stronger because they were brought up on the Word, shouldn’t they? Would we have done better to put them out in the germs so that their immune system could’ve grown stronger?  To bring on the music, the TV, the worldly so they wouldn’t have thought they were being deprived. Courtship….what a joke. Oh God was it all for not, did we think we were building our house on the rock but we were really just storing up treasures for ourselves, lining the nest, building the arsenal to make life easy on us. Ugh!

No matter how we did it the Holy Spirit has to do His work, my kids still have to go through the refiners fire. I can’t turn down the heat, I no longer have any control. God had to wait until all my resources were depleted, all power and all control were gone so He could begin the real work. The dirty work. He is working and in the end only He will get the glory, not me, not my homeschooling not my spiritual teaching. Oh yes, I received plenty of, “you have the best kids.” and “your kids are so good” many times I said, “ it’s God’s grace” but still in the midst of my heart I bask in it. Pride is such a sticky thing because we call it confidence or faith in God. There is a thin line between Godly confidence and prideful arrogance. Now I am humbled. There will be no greater joy then to hear that all my children walk in truth, but now I will know that is will be ALL God and by his grace alone. Am I telling you NOT to teach your kids the Word, absolutely not, that would be going AGAINST His Word. I am simply saying leave room for the Holy Spirit to work, don't take the entire project of making your kids Godly on your own shoulders. Of course I begged God for wisdom, of course I believe that sometime, somewhere the word that was planted in their heart will spring forth but it is not my job to make it grow, nor is it my choice to choose when or how fast it will grow. According to the Bible God can use my children any time and any place...even before they become...perfect!  

Listen up, I have some wisdom to share with you....hello?

 

What I Wish for You

 

It has been proven that the air that is moved by the wing of a butterfly can affect the air all the way around the world.  So something that is set in motion will not be stopped unless something like friction stops it. So one choice can begin a domino effect in your life that can only be stopped by friction….the only friction that can stop a snowball headed for hell (however slowly, or unnoticed) is prayer and God’s grace.  

Matthew 19:30  But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.  

If you apply this scripture to a pit, it is so clear that the first ones in the pit are going to be the last one’s out. So for you it may be easier for you to climb out of the pit when you finally notice that you are in the pit, albeit shallow, provided that you do not continue shoveling yourself lower into the pit by continuing to make the same choices that got you in the pit to begin with. How can you judge whether you are in the pit or not? How many classes do you need to skip or fail before you are considered a high school dropout….or college failure? How much does your grade point average need to drop before you see the shovel of dirt digging your own pit in your hands? At what number of cigarettes to you consider yourself hooked? It is easy for a fish to know when he is hooked because it is so obvious….but not a smoker….or a drinker. How many drinks before you can be considered an alcoholic?  How many classes are you late for or miss,  or how many times are you late for work, or how many times do you perform half way before it begins to become a habit or worse…an ingrained part of your personality?  Look around you at the other teens when you consider this and don’t be so prideful to consider yourself immune….Satan is the Father of lies and deception and he would love for you to fall into THAT pit!

Luke 16:10  He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.”

If you don’t even want to take a college class next semester what makes you think we would risk sending you over to seas to study. What difference does it make where you study, the point is, will you study at all? When are your priorities going to be about your future, about a vision, instead of the here and now?  Maybe you just need time to grow up. Maybe you are more following the word then I, today has enough trouble of its own.  Yes, you are much more mature then most teenagers,  but your focus on yourself gives you away, your ability to miss the things of the greatest importance….yes probably in my opinion… maybe.  I mentioned success being the most important, but no, I was wrong. Putting God first in your life is the most important; how can I ask you to grow up when even I immediately jump to the comfort zone zombie apocalypse, worldly success! Yes, I, at 52, do not have my priorities straight. What do I want…no, I don’t want you to be a mama’s boy, I don’t want you to sit at home and watch movies with me. I don’t even want you to have  a house with two kids and a good wife and live in the suburbs and go to church every Sunday. I want you to experience life, to have adventures, not at other people’s expense, not because you almost got arrested, or killed, or so drunk you imagined an amazing adventure. No, I want you to see the beauty of God, I want you to feel his presence, I want you to be in a position to where you cry out to him in Holy awwww and amazement.  I want your eyes open so you can see the work he has already done in your life.  No, I want more than that!  I want you to experience the shiver down your spine as you feel the Holy Spirit “quicken” you, and release all the doubts and fears inside of you and fill you up to overflowing. I want you to have visions and dreams that cannot deny that God knows you, will never leave you or forsake you and loves you more than I ever could.  I want you to seek him in his Word instead of in entertainment, or another girl’s arms or in another rambunctious bout with your friends. I want you to slay dragons in His name, to fight the good fight and win…instead of trying to fight the spiritual with the physical. I want you to put on His armor and surrender to Him, not to me, not to my way, and not in my timing. And I pray that he would take you on the adventure of a life time fueling your jet with his love and grace, powering your heart with his blood and mercy, pushing you forward with his power and strength. That would be success,  that would be my joy.

3 John 1:4  I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

But I must be content, presenting my request to God, waiting patiently, ”Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”  Philippians 1:6 

"They're watching us."

"We're not doing anything wrong."

"But they think we are." 

 

Accuse or Exhort

Revelation 12:10  And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.

I got a phone call on Tuesday from Daniel saying-“ Mom I need you to come and pick me up, the police will not let me drive home.” Positive #1 he’s alive #2 he’s ok –he’s obviously capable of driving home they just won’t let him. #3 His car is drivable… I grab D, so he can drive Daniel’s car home, not knowing quite what to expect. As we pull up to the spot less than 5 miles from our house a fire truck is pulling away, we see three police cars and an ambulance. As we get out an advocate of Satan, the accuser, begins to recite the story. Daniel got tired, really sleepy, so much so that he couldn’t keep his eyes open…for those of you who don’t know our history, Daniel totaled out a car with his dad in it when they both fell asleep. This time-he pulled over… a concerned man saw him “passed out” and after knocking on the window twice with no response, called the police. The Advocate said over and over again….THAT’s NOT normal for him to be asleep that hard. Really? Have you ever tried to wake my son up from a deep sleep, believe me this is normal. This woman had seen too much, they searched his car, they searched his phone, they treated him like he did something wrong when he did something right. My response, when Daniel walks over to me from the ambulance…. I give him a hug…and say, “Thank-you for pulling over; most people would have kept on going, only being 5 miles from the house.” Do you know the statistics about wrecks happening 5 miles from home, they are pretty high. The car was upright, my son was safe, and it was a nice call. I tell you this because I have seen a lot growing up with four, fairly wild, brothers and I have acted as an accuser of the brethren with my own children and assumed the worst. I am asking you to AVOID doing this, listen to the facts and do not assume.  

1 Corinthians 13:5 [Charity]  Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

It never occurred to me that when I was thinking evil, I was not loving them. I do not have the excuse that I have seen too much or heard too much. Yes, I’ve seen a lot and heard a lot but I’m sure not near as much as the police officer had.

Philippians 4:8  Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

I am changing my thought pattern, I will wait before I speak. No longer will I act on instinct, nor will I make assumptions, or follow my first thought. Up lift, build, believe in, that is my goal from now on. I’m not talking about having rose colored glasses on but instead of judging being my first reaction, how about love and acceptance? Only by God’s grace and strength!

“Don’t tell them what they already know, don’t be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Tell them what they don’t know, tell them that God loves them and he has a plan for their lives. He has a destiny for them. Yeah, Tell them that.”

Hebrews 3:13-14  But exhort [invite, invoke, beseech, call for, desire] one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end;



"STAND BACK! I am in control here!"

Oh brother.

 

Who’s in Control?

One more time I find myself grasping at straws…yes straws because they are so useless. I asked my class, if you have a choice, would you rather pound a nail in with a hammer or a straw. Of course we would all choose the hammer; after all it only takes a little common sense, right? But if we are not careful, if we act on our “natural” instinct we will look down and find the straw in our hands once again. You see the straw represents worry and the hammer represents prayer.  The straw represents our power, the hammer represents God's power.

Joshua has come to us to say, “I need some help.”  Financial help is what he was talking about. I fought the urge to recite all the dumb things he has spent his money on, but even so I still managed to throw in a few jibes. Why do I do that, I know better. You can NOT do an inside job from the outside.

Job 38:36  Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?  The answer of course is God….not me.  Common sense, no it is going to take an act of God. You see Jesus came because we cannot change ourselves, without the grace of God it is impossible. Romans 6:14-16  For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? Yes, we can expect our children to make wise decisions, but only if we are praying for God’s grace and mercy to be upon their lives and only if we are praying for God to implant wisdom into their hearts. Even Paul, one of the greatest apostles had trouble with this. What makes us think we won’t! Romans 7:15  For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.  It is a hopeless situation, impossible to fix…..without Jesus. Romans 7:24-25  O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?  I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.  But we will never be completely free from sin until we are rid of the flesh.

So back to Joshua, although D is in the room I take over the proceedings of “loaning” him money.  We discuss how much, we discuss the terms of paying it back. I say; “We will automatically deduct $50 out of your account every pay period. If you want to pay more than that to get it paid off sooner, you can just let us know.”  Later I am discussing it with D and  his opinion differs…. just like the sinner, know it all, prideful person that I am, unlike all I’ve been teaching about respecting your husband I shoot him down. “I have read the books about ADD and I know more than you do. He is incapable of paying bills on time, especially to family. Look at the past experiences!”  Wow, as I put that in writing it makes my stomach churn….”If you enable a child, you disable them."  The memory of this little quote on my refrigerator punches me in the stomach. 1 Corinthians 10:13  There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  There are lots of should’ves, would’ves and could’ves, but the bottom line is I DO NOT want Joshua to fail so I grasped for control again to make it “easy” for him.  However by automatically taking it out of his bank account he doesn’t have to learn anything, have any responsibility, or learn to budget his money.  Ya, and I got onto D about always being too willing to help out and rescuing him.

Bottom line, I didn’t trust God, I didn’t trust D and I don’t believe there is any hope in growth or change for Joshua- or so spoke my actions. That these thoughts are Satanic and sin, because that means I don’t believe God and I don’t believe His Word.  

 Psalms 51:1-13  Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.  Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Mark 9:23-24   Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

Cover me in your blood Lord Jesus, put wisdom in my heart, change my doubt into faith and give me the grace to hope and strength to let go and the knowledge to know that your Word is true and your power is able, and you are enough, in my life and in Joshua’s life.  In Jesus name. Amen.



 

 

 

BLOW UP!!

 

I am looking back trying to find out where exactly I went wrong…I looked at my scriptures about words and speech that I had studied yesterday and recognized that I did everything exactly the opposite of what I had prayed for that day…or did I really pray?….did I just determine in my mind that this is what I was going to do with determination and self-discipline? Maybe. Did I have a wound that had been festering, building up, and chose last night to open up and let all its poisons out onto my whole household. Yes.  Was I determined to just take it? Instead of setting the consequences and following through I just “let it go”. Not really. I stuffed it. So sooner or later it was going to come out. Then I get on face book and twice I get the message; Who are you working for? Whom do you serve? Who do you obey?   

My first thought is, “The kingdom I have built is falling down around me.”  My second thought is, “You built?”

Psalms 127:1 Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

Then I begin to feel hopeless and I know that Satan is involved because the message, “There is no hope.” always comes from Satan.

Psalms 146:5  Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the LORD his God:

I am not happy right now! I feel like Satan is winning.

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

I didn’t want to use this scripture today because I feel failed and forsaken…I am still dealing with something I dealt with 20 years ago, inconsistency. Some things never change. I have gone around this mountain so many times that I can lament with Joshua, “I’ve heard all this before.”  Set the consequence then follow through a few times, oh yay your doing so good, a week goes by they push the limits again….I drop the ball, there is no consequence so a little more pushing the limits, a little more pushing the rules, a little more and then I blow.

Joshua 1:9  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

What if God never commanded me to be strong?  What if he was only talking to Joshua? What if I’m just a weakling and I really can’t handle it.

2 Corinthians 12:9  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Weak or strong he is with me, and it’s His strength not mine. 

I really messed up last night totally blew up and became the wicked witch with a capital B. How could God let me go that far and not stop me? Why would he do that, to humble me one more time?

James 4:10  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

But according to this we are supposed to humble ourselves.

Isaiah 10:33  Behold, the Lord, the LORD of hosts, shall lop the bough with terror: and the high ones of stature shall be hewn down, and the haughty shall be humbled.

Either way I’m humbled.  And as for haughty, see “first thought” above!

Why am I blaming God….because he promised to change me, he promised to cleanse me, he promised! When will I EVER move past this same ole junk… consistency, how hard can it be. It’s actually harder now then it was before and I couldn’t do it then…not consistently anyway!

Micah 6:8  He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

How can you do justly and love mercy at the same time?

Romans 12:8  Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness.

It’s that “with cheerfulness that I have a real problem with and again, I’m supposed to rule with diligence AND show mercy WITH cheerfulness. I can’t do it.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

An inconsistent parent teaching inconsistent children, really?  Then the "if onlys" jump in and I am forced one more time to examine my beliefs; Is God really sovereign? Does everything really happen for a reason? What about the mother that killed her 5 children? What about all the abused children? Why on earth would you give me 5 children so I would fail over and over again?!

This question he answers, as tears are streaming down my face, in a quiet whisper inside my head. “To teach you mercy.”

Psalms 57:10-11  For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.

 

 

 

It only takes an hour to solve the problems of the world.

Do you ever get caught in that little rut, reading books, watching movies just to escape reality for a little while? I was talking with my daughter, Jan, the other day and ask her what were some of her favorite books she has read this year. "I don't think I've read any." What?!, she used to read plenty! "I love my life, I really don't have anything to escape from anymore."  Is that what I'm doing? I usually read books to grow, you know the self help books. But just recently I came upon a TV series that I can get from Netflix called Lark Rise to Candleford. It is an amazingly, slow moving, no car races, no shooting....well you get the picture. It reminds me of 'Little House on the Prairie', the series I watched when I was growing up. Melody, my college kid sat down and watched a little of it with me last night and started laughing at the awkward moments, you know, when people are actually talking to work things out. They aren't texting or emailing they're just living life without computers. So we got in this argument where I was trying to explain to her that this is real life, worrying about your hair or what color of shoes you are going to wear with an outfit like most 'college girls' do is not real life. She took offense, I took offense, so I did what I do best. I went off and contemplated why I was so offended. Probably the number one reason is that these movies were bringing me peace by allowing me to escape reality for just a little while. Not that my life is that bad but when I really started considering it, it hit me. I wanted this to be my reality.

I wanted everything to be fixed in an hour. I wanted my brothers cancer to be gone in an hour. I wanted Joshua to have common sense and learn instinctively what the right thing to do is, and Daniel to understand the value of communication and the value of showing someone they are valuable so that his relationships and future relationships will be perfect. I want the Beaton's to get counseling and get fixed- instead of getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage due to pornography.  I want Sally and Dave to make restitution with their son and see their grandchildren for the first time in a year. All of this I would like to see happen in one hour. I don't want to be God, I just want things to be right. I want to be worry free, I want to be comfortable and not have to worry for a day.

And where have we landed after this roller coaster, non-reality, show ride. Right back in the middle of a comfort-zone addict mentality? The show in and of itself is not bad, I love it. But the feelings of just wanting life to be simple, carefree, and well-comfortable, is a problem. Especially if I would rather have that above God's will.  I have wrestled with this before but this time I don't think it is that serious. I think I'm just tired and I need to give myself permission to take a break or "escape"... just for a few hours without feeling guilty. I know where my real peace comes from, I know who the author of miracles and "fixing" things is. Jesus Christ, my redeemer, the Holy Spirit my Comforter, and God, all knowing, full of wisdom, and totally in control. Now that is something to rest in!

 

To Eat or Not To Eat

I could tell by his reaction that he felt like a child. I certainly felt like a mother. It just hit me so hard that he really thought that was going to be ok with me. What was it all about? Eating! He was getting ready to go into work and because I thought he had stopped for a big lunch I was just going to make him a small salad. So the simple question. "Sweetie, did you stop for lunch this afternoon, I didn't think you would be that hungry." "No, I stopped for breakfast." "What?" "Yeah, I stopped by the doughnut shop and got three CAKE doughnuts." "Really?" I honestly thought he was joking, but he was DEAD serious. "Hey, I got three cake doughnuts instead of three glazed doughnuts, those are better right."  Really?!!!

Let me back up, we have always been one of those homeschooling families that "tries" to eat right. In the beginning we started with plain cheerios and no candy or pop in the house. It was a real treat when Daddy took you out for a 'sodie pop' because they were rare and far between. Five kids and 27 years later three of my children are Dr. Pepper holics, and Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Mini Wheats are a common sight in my home. For my part I will not by 'sodie pops' and bring them in the house, but the teenagers buy their own when they are out and of course Daddy still treats.

Now, because of some test that have come back my sweet husband is at risk and fear has entered the equation. This is the way I see it- How can someone who loves the heck out of me, would give me the shirt of his back, take a bullet for me and has worked so hard for me so I could stay home with my kids nonchalantly, single handedly try to take away from me my most precious possession?- Him! I just don't think he gets the seriousness of it. Point number two, he is the smartest man I know. He can fix anything, build anything and if he doesn't know, given enough time, he can find out the answer. How can he not know that doughnut shops are completely off limits? I took it as a personally affront even though I know that he didn't mean it that way...we all have weak moments, right? I can not MAKE him eat right, I can do everything right here at the house but the minute he leaves he's like a 16 year old boy, driving the car for the first time! FREEDOM, finally. I don't wan to be that naggy wife that he avoids! Why couldn't he have just had a greasy hamburger, fried chicken, anything but that...fried, and sugar together!

I myself am struggling along, (as I pour cream, that does not have cream as a listed ingredient, into my tea)trying to MAKE myself exercise, stop stress snacking and stay away from things that I know make me feel drowsy, confused and irritated but my blood test came back normal, THAT'S the difference. Forgive my yelling, I guess I'm still pretty upset about it all. In fact I have a confession to make. His mom sent home two small fruit cakes for Christmas. No one in our house likes fruit cake....except D. So I made a deal, with him, I will cut them into pieces and put two small pieces in each bag then you can take out one a day. He agreed. Yesterday after hearing the confession about the doughnuts, I tossed it; One whole fruit cake in the trash. I'm also considering not buying any candy for the kid's stockings this year...and tossing the other fruit cake too!

So you decide, is this sin? A desire for control? A lack of trusting God? Just me throwing a fit, anger? A legitimate concern? I do know that with God fear should NOT be part of the equation.

All in all I still love him to pieces and hey, at least he told the truth. He could've just said, "No, I didn't eat lunch." which would've also been true, the doughnuts were for breakfast.

Back to the praying board!

Proverbs 23:1-3  When thou sittest to eat with a ruler, consider diligently what is before thee: And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite. Be not desirous of his dainties: for they are deceitful meat.

 

 



The New Mom

Transition; Mom the Boss and Teacher to Mom the Friend, Confidant, Adviser, Supporter

 

Sometimes it feels like your whole world is turned upside down. The things that you thought you had control of you actually have no control at all, the people you thought you knew...changed and the strength you were relying on is gone. The way I'm talking you might be thinking, " oh my goodness, divorce, death, fire, catastrophic storm, what is it?" None of the above, just kids, growing up. I've already talked about transition but it would be nice if it were over in a couple of weeks. It's not....it takes longer than that. It would be nice if all these emotions and hormonal imbalances did not accompany me every step of the way, but no, it appears that that is part of it. If I could just be a little wiser, know a little more, surrender a little faster, let go a little easier....No, "When have you ever done anything the easy way?!" Sigh. So now what. It's always the same, it never changes.

"The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of then that make peace." So how do I get rid of this war that is roaring inside of me and fighting and kicking and screaming every step of the way!" Philippians 4:6-7  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.- Don't worry? It seems to be my greatest past time lately, that and trying to grasp back ahold of the control that I never had in the first place! My greatest fear....dare I even put it down on paper....yes, bring it out into the light so it is no longer in the darkness and Satan can no longer use it against you. My greatest fear is the future. Will my children grow up to become what God has called them to be or will they jump ship and become a tool for Satan. There is no middle ground for me, either you are doing good or you are creating havoc. Yet my expectations of my children are so much higher then I could attain. What took me years to get, I expect them to get in a day. Don't waist time making mistakes ...once again the Lord reminds me everyone has to go through the refiners fire. Would you have them not grow, not shine like lights in the universe, just to sit in their previous accomplishments and rot. No, let them out, let them learn, let...them....fall.

It is interesting that after you have spent your whole motherhood, preaching, giving advice, training and preaching some more it comes back.

Melody: Mom it's time to change, you were the youngest in the family and it's almost like you can't let go of this wonderful control and being the boss that you have found in having children. You almost enjoy it too much. You want to continue on and on but it's time.

Mom: He's only 16.

Melody: Yes but even you said he is a very mature 16. He can't be compared to other 16 year olds or even older teenagers.

Mom: He's still a sinner capable of making mistakes.

Melody: Then let him make them and learn from them just like the rest of us have to.

Mom: I'm not ready to do that yet.

Melody: It's happening whether your ready or not and the tighter you hang on the more stress you bring into the household, into your life, your relationships and their lives. LET GO!

Mom: It's not as easy as all that. (Thoughts: You don't even have kids, how do you know so much? Oh yeah, I've been talking to you, training you, pointing out others who won't let go,...how sick they are and miserable.)

Melody: I know but you need to start somewhere, let them live their own lives.

Mom: He's only 16.

Joshua: Not 13.

Mom: Can we just pretend for a little while longer. Sometimes you act like your 13.

Daniel: I'm not the one you should be yelling at.

Mom: I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at the.....stove....just let me get this out of my system.

Daniel: I can still hear you, stop.

Joshua: I know, you've said that already.

Melody: You are done being that kind of a mom, it's time to change, to become a mentor, a friend.

Mom: They still need guidance, boundaries, I can't just drop all of that.

Melody: Not all at the same time but at least quit telling them what time to go to bed!

Mom: He kissed his girlfriend when they had only been going out a month, that was stupid and they are moving way too fast. Don't they know that the train will only pick up speed and it has no breaks!

Melody: He's going to have to learn that for himself.

Mom: He won't study unless I am right there on his back.

Melody: He may have to fail a test....or even a class.

How many times do I have to go through this...it's a learning process. The last one is the hardest to let go of. No, the one that doesn't seem to be able to do it on his own is the most difficult. My biggest fear is that they will fail, mess up and pay for the rest of their life...but I am leaving God's grace out of the equation. I am forgetting his mercy in my own life, in my own failures and his amazing blessings, in spite of me. God is big enough to handle my children and their futures. I must remember that it is he that puts wisdom into the hearts of the children and he that protects them and is with them every single step of the way.

Oh Lord please direct the paths of my children and help them to trust you. And give me the strength, the knowledge and the faith to let go, in your way and in your timing, not my own. In Jesus name, Amen

 

Why Me?

You always get the biggest piece, it's my turn!

How bout we flip a coin?

Sure, I'll hold the cob, you flip.

 

Why Me?

Sometimes instead of asking why did this happen to me, we are asking why didn't this happen to me? Very Similar to "How come I get all the grace?" Why do I have to constantly questions God's reasoning? I've already recognized and come to grips with the fact that every good and perfect gift comes from above. I can't earn God's grace. But I still want an explanation... I want to be ready....I want to know the reasoning so I can control it a little more, even when I'm getting more than my fair share.

D and Daniel were in an accident last Monday. Daniel, (15, with a learners permit) was driving, drifted off the road at 70 miles per hour and over corrected. Went across the road into oncoming traffic, there wasn't any. That's the first MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. Then they hit a tree which slid the car around and rammed the passenger door into another tree. D had minor injuries, three stitches, and some x-rays were done because his ribs were bruised from the door coming in about 9 inches. Daniel walked away with a scratch. Another MAJOR dose of grace and mercy. I am so grateful and I am praising God for watching over our family and protecting my son and my husband. But I also felt guilt for being so blessed. Isn't that crazy?  

 

I called my friend and talked to her and ask her if she ever feels angry when she hears stories like mine. She has a handicapped child that was in an accident because someone didn't put the chains on when they hooked up a trailer. It came off and slammed into their van right where the little 4 year old girl was sitting. The timing was too perfect, she was near death for quite a while but when she woke up she wasn't the same. I would be angry, I would be asking why me God. She said, "I can't dwell on it."  Am I the only one that is still so carnally minded?  

We put a picture of the car on fb. I couldn't help but think about a young girl who lost her brother in a car accident about 4 or 5 years ago. Was his car the same color as ours? Did our rejoicing bring up horrific pictures in her mind of her brother. Was she asking the question, "Why them and not us Lord?" I think I would be.  

 

I know God is good and His ways are pure and I'm not always going to understand. I'm so grateful he understands me; My mixed up emotions, my questioning thoughts and my guilty feelings. And he still loves me and he continues to bless our family. No I'm not going to stand around and drown in guilt and I'm not going to be tense waiting and wondering when it will be my turn. I'm going to enjoy the goodness of the Lord and do my best to walk in the Spirit and glorify God.  

Galatians 5:25  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 

When someone gives us a gift that we know we don't deserve there is something inside of  us that makes us want to become someone that deserves it. It's not about being someone we are not as much as it is about being all that God called us to be.  

Luke 12:48..... For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

I know I can not control what will happen tomorrow, but "I will not fear because God is with me". He will give me the grace to do what he has called me to do because his grace is sufficient for me. I'm still reeling in gratitude, and yes, a little bit of guilt but eventually this event will just be a memory. Hopefully we will remember God's amazing grace in the midst and thank Him once again that our world as we know it was not changed forever on that day.  

Psalms 34:4  I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

The Ride

• Would you mind giving me a lift? 

These pictures represent two VERY different kinds of rides! We live in the country so every chance we get we group together to save gas. This particular time was not was not a good time. I had planned it out so carefully, I was going to go get my haircut while the boys went to football practice. I thought it would be ok with everyone but cramping the style and changing the plans of a 17 year old boy is serious business. First the time change that he had to be there, 2:00 instead of 3:00. Ok, I'll drop you off. Secondly, I would be driving his car, you know the one. The one we are paying insurance on, bought for him and now because he is jobless, paying gas for him to haul himself and his little brother around to football practice and anywhere else he wants to go, apparently. (time for Deep breath)  Now you would think it would be no big deal, he drives my car when the need arises....it was a big deal.  

So here are some tips if you want to "share the ride" with your teenage son.

1. Let them know PLENTY ahead of time....mainly so they can figure out a way to finagle out of it. Putting things on them at the last minute is not a good thing....especially when they have made MANY plans that you don't know about that they plan on springing on YOU at the last minute. But we are seeking peace here....so plenty of warning.

2. Be prepared for them to say no that won't work for me, please figure out something else to do.  (time for Mini lesson in give/take relationships....not take/take relationships or give/give relations.)

3. Try to understand their "I'm so frustrated with you" attitude and see things from their side; me, myself and I and what's best for me!

4. Gripe them out! Say things you don't mean, lay on the guilt trip.

5. Make it your ambition to remind them at least for the next 5 times they ask you for something, about the expensive price you paid, (attitude, guilt, disrespect, etc). In other words give them back exactly what they gave you....that will teach them.

 

REWIND: Most of the above I did do. I was not prepared for all the drama and attitude and instead of taking action I reacted. If I had stopped and thought about exactly what my reactions would have cost, (words I regretted, making ME look like the teenager,) and what it would accomplish-nothing, I may have done it differently.

1. Pray and practice Gratitude

2. Guard my mouth

3. Grace

We all love grace so much...when we are receiving it, but when we are giving it, yuk. It's tough stuff. Even Jesus Christ, when he stretched out his arms to pour out grace upon us, he was spit on, whipped, and rejected.

When we stretch out our arms to show grace, when we lay down our lives, our rights, our agenda, we are going to get stepped on...but the righteousness of God will spring forth.

 

James 3:17-18  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

 

When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?!

When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut?

It is not necessary to say everything that you are thinking and labeling is against the rules. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. The word, perfectionist, should not bring on such negativity, aggression and a downright offense….I wouldn’t think. But my sister has a sign in her home that calls perfectionist, sick, but instead we strive for excellence….same thing in my book. But she didn’t ask me. And I think that being a perfectionist would be a compliment…. I want a perfectionist to work on my teeth, I want a perfectionist doctor, I want a perfectionist to paint my house, work on my car….etc. Don’t you? But apparently my sister considered it a major insult.

The name of the personality book is “Who do you think you are, anyway?” It is an eye opening experience to read it and find out about yourself, and how you can improve, and how you can adjust your personality when you understand other people’s reactions and why they react that way. It is an amazing tool and has been used for years in the work place as well as with personal relationships.

After I first read it I was amazed at how much my son and I were alike. It is no wonder we clash so many times, whereas my other son, with a different personality, not so much.   

Another book called, “Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, is where I got a taste of differences in personality, ways that these people can be touched to their very souls. A third resource, “The Five Love Languages”,  was helpful and a children’s book called “The Treasure Tree” also helped. But none of these so specifically provided ways to get these people to understand me as I communicated with them in their own language. It gives you tools in different situations, or weapons if you misuse them. 

I misused them. I labeled and pretended I knew all about a person, what’s important to them and what’s not, putting them in a box, but not really listening. I just believed I had it down to a science. So, like my own personality says, I cut to the chase and just wanted to know what I needed to know to get the job done. 

This of course is not God’s way. Putting your agenda before a person is not right. Love is right, caring, listening, believing, and investing time, that’s what’s important. I wish I had known all this before I simple blurted out, “Your personality is that of a perfectionist.”

“I’m not a perfectionist.”

“But everything you do is perfect.”

“Perfect in your eyes, maybe but it’s not perfect.”

(That statement sort of proved my statement was true because with perfectionist, it’s never good enough.)  

The point being, that being right, that she is a perfectionist was not worth the pothole it put into our relationship….and it has taken a long time to build that relationship up to where it is already. But I cannot take back what I said, only try to mend it. I tried, the next morning; I said, “I had no idea how offended you would be over that word….” Before I could get out the words, “I’m sorry” she barked out, “I wasn’t offended”, A sure sign that she definitely was offended.  

I saw a skit about labeling once. A mom had received a labeler for Christmas one year. It was a great gift until she started putting labels on people. I realize that I don’t want to be labeled because there is such a finality to it. It is impossible to get rid of once you are there. You are put in a box, categorized and given this permanent name. Some things that I have been labeled with that have been tough to get over or grow past; talk too much, bossy, baby sister, stupid (this word was actually a cuss word in my home and to this day I still cringe when I hear someone called by that name.) Awkward, clumsy, jolly green giant, ( I was tallest in my class for years). You would think with all this experience of being labeled myself, I would know better. I do now, but it’s too late. I’ve also been guilty labeling my kids, if they disobey once they are disobedient children, if they cheat on a test they are under suspicion for the next 3 or 4 years!  I am constantly thinking the worst scenario and drawing false conclusions because I don’t want to have a blind eye to the training of my kids but what if we tried some positive labels.  

They are, a child of God, loved by God, given wisdom by God, watched over by God and covered by the blood of Jesus Christ. These are not labels to put them on a pedestal, they are not labels to put pressure on them to be perfect, they are labels to remind them that they got someone who’s got their back. They've got grace. I wish I had shown a little more grace to my sister that day.  I do know that God will help me to clean up this mess because well He’s God, and I think that’s a label He can live with and He can accept that responsibility.  

James 1:19  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Dealing With Death

Dealing with Death

It's a VERY rainy day today.

The decision should not have been that hard, he looked like death already.

He couldn't wash himself very good anymore and his fur started clumping up.

I waited until summer to shave him,

but his skin was so fragile I cut him once or twice and so I skipped his belly.

When I took him in they must have recognized what a poor caretaker I was.

His belly was covers in dead stickers from where he had been laying in the grass.

He was still feisty though, on the way he tried to break out of his cage

and meowed loudly, mournfully almost. I kept trying to quiet him down.

Finally I rolled down the window and turned up the radio and he settled down.

I missed his meows on the way home. It was quiet.

They put him in a box for me...when I picked it up the bottom was still warm.

I wanted to see him sleeping in the box but when I opened it

they had put him in a plastic trash bag and tied it up tightly.

I almost opened it, but it started spitting rain, I wanted to see him sleeping.

The bag would keep the smell down as he decomposed

so other animals wouldn't try to dig him up, but I wanted to see him sleeping.

He loved to sleep in boxes.

It's raining hard now.

I know that I probably waited even longer than I should have

but he was walking around, even after he broke his leg.

On Sunday morning I found him with his leg hung up in the Y of the chair leg.

When I let him loose I knew he wouldn't be able to walk,

he'd been there all night, eight hours, struggling.

Why didn't God wake me up to come and check on him.

God has done things like that before.

Anyway he was hopping around on three legs

and would purr every time I petted him or picked him up.

He was more than 15 years old. He was a diabetic.

It wasn't right to let him suffer.

Was he suffering or did I just do this for my own convenience.

Euthanasia if very real, but if it is with a person you are playing God.

I did ask God to show me, even before he got his leg caught and broke it, if I should put him down.

Was that my answer. It's not like a person,

you aren't giving them extra time to make sure they have made their peace with God.

They don't even have a soul. Yes it's true, they don't.

But what if God is waiting for something else, me to learn a lesson.

I didn't go in and watch him fall asleep,

I would have made a fool out of myself blubbering all over myself.

I wish I would have gone in. I wanted to see him sleeping in the box.

They pulled all of the machines off of my Grandma. One by one we all said our good byes.

She lived, went home from the hospital and lived for another whole year!

During that time her daughter made amends with her, grew closer to her.

All of this is to teach us, ...something. People are different.

But we can learn something from letting a pet go too.

I'm grateful that I kept him for another whole year.

It gave me something to take care of when no one else in this house needs taking care of.

He was a diabetic, I gave him a shot every morning and every night and special, expensive food.

The only problem is you had to buy the medicine in big people size bottles, it would go bad.

But because I didn't have the proper equipment to check his blood sugar

I didn't know when it went bad, unless I saw the tell tell signs.

Then I just kept giving it to him, like a miracle would take place or something.

I wasn't a very good care taker. The medicine was $100 a bottle.

He loved to sleep in boxes.

He had three different names because no one would agree.

Even at the vet they had two different cats listed...no, I said, it's the same cat.

In his glory days he weight almost 20 pounds.

When we went on walks he would follow us around, like a dog.

I'd be working in the garden and turn around and there he was following me like my own shadow.

He was banished to being an outside cat after being with us for only a month

because he put holes in the water bed....two different times!

He loved to snuggle and he loved to sleep in a box.

When we were throwing boxes away we tossed them on the back porch

so he could sleep in them before we threw them away.

We had him for more than 15 years. I just wish I had seen him one last time, sleeping in a box.

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

I'm all out of love, I'm coming back in for a refill!

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

These words have been running through my brain like a pipe organ. I didn't even know they rest of the song until I looked them up and now it fits even better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you, I can't be too late to say I was so wrong." No this isn't my love song for a broken relationship with some guy, (I've been married for over 30 years and intend to stay that way for a long time to come!) But it is more like me singing it to God because one more time I go fool charge ahead without Him. Yes, I realized I misspelled full then realized it perfectly fits because seriously, I looked like a fool blown fool!

It all started around a holiday, (again) with the questioning of the rules (again) and why can't they change now that I am older. What was the rule; internet shut down and phones plugged in on your desk by 10 on school nights and 11 on weekends.

cards he pulled out-It wasn't the rule with the girls. (I wasn't as smart with the girls)

I'm older now and I'm smart enough not to get onto sites that I know are wrong....(many adults can't even handle that.

and the old but over used one; I just don't understand what the big deal is.

I need to take responsibility for my part:

I didn't ask who he was talking to or say how much longer do you need, (there was obviously a crises caused that needed to be talked out on facebook messaging) personally I think the fact that he told her about someone saying something inappropriate about her (gossip) caused the crises in the first place.... Proverbs 26:20  Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. He should have kept quiet and dealt with it himself!

I didn't ask because for the last several weeks I'll be there in a few minutes means 5 minutes to me and 35 minutes to him. I didn't ask because I didn't want to give him a chance to lie...again.

I apologized for not seeking to be more understanding...he apologizes for not being on time (after I point out that he should step up to the plate and take responsibility for his part and apologize.)

We went to bed,

He- angry because he felt misunderstood, judged and was told no.

Me-exhausted, it was 1:00 AM now and felt like I had to defend myself and my right to set boundaries and establish rules to protect my household and questioning what I could have said or done differently.

Saturday Morning: He has moved the whole X-box system into his room and is hibernating. It is owned by his brother, no he didn't ask permission.

I had asked several weeks ago in passing, "Hey, will you be my date for the wedding that we are invited to since everyone else will be out of town?" His answer, "I guess, if I don't have to work."  (that meant yes to me as long as he didn't have to work)

So I knock on the door:

"Hey we are going to be leaving around 1:15."

"What? where are we going?"

"The Wedding."

"I never said I would go to that."   I repeat the above conversation.

"But I never said yes, I have plans with my friends to go to the beach. Do I HAVE to go?"

Looking back I should be grateful that at least he did recognized that I have some measure of authority, he could have said, I'm not going and you can't make me....he didn't. However at this point gratitude was the last thing on my mind, I snapped. If any of you have ever snapped before then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't then I hope you never have to experience it. I could have jumped on him and started strangling him at that minute but I didn't I slammed the door and walked away, for about 3-10 seconds trying to recover from what felt like a karate side kick right in the gut, that really hurt....yes, it's the day before Mother's day...then I came back and let him have it, put the phone on my dresser (did I mention that this was the upgrade phone that I could have had but I gave him the better phone just a week ago. Ungrateful little tyrant)( yes I'm still seeking God on this and still in the process of forgiving. Wait till we get to the wedding, God sent me a messenger.) get in there and get the dishes done, I had to call him back three times to finish and get this Xbox put away before we leave. And YES you do HAVE to go. I might add that I said all of this hysterically...no completely losing it, no, tyrannically,  maybe, and maybe even satanically!! I hadn't lost it like this since the Christmas episode. And I added some guilt in there too....Thank-you for the Mother's Day present.

The Wedding: We arrive at the wedding, and we are civil to each other (I honestly think I may have scared him and now he is questioning my sanity hoping I don't do something or say something to embarrass him.)

As we stand for the bride to enter I notice the little 3 year old daughter of one of the bridesmaids is standing in the seat of a disabled elderly man (I think her grandfather) . When they say you may be seated I quickly assess he will be left standing because there is no way he can pick up that little girl and sit down at the same time so I quickly grab her out of his seat thinking as soon as we sit down she will jump down from my lap and go climb up into great Grandpa's lap. Although I knew who she was, her parents and her grandparent, this is the first time I have ever held this little girl. I'm thinking she's going to start crying or jump down or try to run to her mama. I hold her up and point out the bride and she waves to her mama and within 2 minutes she is asleep on my lap. You have NO idea what an amazing healing balm this is to my soul. I felt like it was a message from God, "Someone still needs you, and I will not stop using you to comfort others just because your kids are growing up."

Even after the wedding was over I continued to hold her. Joshua did what he does best, mingle and didn't even try to rush off but stayed for the reception. While I am holding this sweet little girl in my arms an old friend, that I haven't seen in a long time, comes and sits down beside me. How are things going? What have you been up to? I ask her desperately not wanting to gossip or spill my woes of my teens when hers seem so well behaved. Another message from God comes flying in. "We are taking care of my mother now, you know I lost my dad over a year ago. I wanted to take care of him, out of love, but with mother it is more out of obligation. She is just so judgmental and makes it hard to love her. I hope when I get older my children don't feel the same way." OUCH!  Thank-you God for giving me the gentle message first before throwing me into the refiners fire! Fighting back tears, I said to her, "you are here by divine design and I needed to hear what you have to say." Then her children walked up and we talked about other things so God didn't even give me a chance to bad mouth my son. Thank-you God, one less thing I need to repent of.  

But that is not all, Sunday morning I go to wake up Joshua for church, "I have to be to work early."  he says. "And miss church again? You tell them that you can't work Sunday mornings or you get up and go to an early service, one or the other but do not miss church again." It's Mother's Day and I'm going to church by myself. Don't get me wrong we had a celebration last week because we knew that 4 of my 9 people would be out of town so I knew it but I just thought Joshua would be with me. Expectations...on Thursday before all this went down I actually pictured him saying, C'mon mom I'll take you out to eat for Mother's Day after church. I actually expected him to think ahead, think about somebody else and give without expecting anything in return. I didn't get to that giving point until after my third child and even then it was sporadic at best! Rather then go to my own church I went to a church where few would know me and ask questions and they had a good worship service, which I needed. But it was more about giving my all in all to God rather then receiving from God. In fact it forced me to quit saying, "What about me?" and start asking, "What do you want from me God?" Faith mainly, that I would believe that there is still hope for Joshua, for me and for our relationship and yes that God can clean up this mess, help me to forgive and move on and let it go. Because He is able to do more than I ask or imagine. That was just in the worship service. During the actually service was how much influence I have over my children, use it wisely. Another OUCH! Again I marvel that God know me, know my weaknesses and still gave me 5 children. Because "for my [His] strength is made perfect in [my] weakness."

Boundless Love, Boundless Love, He has conquered all of death and the grave, I may be all out of love for the moment but God will and already is refilling my tank and give me the grace to love more abundantly.

Messege I heard on the radio this morning!
"Perhaps you should be spending more time teaching responsibility instead of trying to control."