Thursday, May 31, 2012

Dealing With Death

Dealing with Death

It's a VERY rainy day today.

The decision should not have been that hard, he looked like death already.

He couldn't wash himself very good anymore and his fur started clumping up.
I waited until summer to shave him,
but his skin was so fragile I cut him once or twice and so I skipped his belly.
When I took him in they must have recognized what a poor caretaker I was.
His belly was covers in dead stickers from where he had been laying in the grass.
He was still feisty though, on the way he tried to break out of his cage
and meowed loudly, mournfully almost. I kept trying to quiet him down.
Finally I rolled down the window and turned up the radio and he settled down.
I missed his meows on the way home. It was quiet.
They put him in a box for me...when I picked it up the bottom was still warm.
I wanted to see him sleeping in the box but when I opened it
they had put him in a plastic trash bag and tied it up tightly.
I almost opened it, but it started spitting rain, I wanted to see him sleeping.
The bag would keep the smell down as he decomposed
so other animals wouldn't try to dig him up, but I wanted to see him sleeping.
He loved to sleep in boxes.
It's raining hard now.
I know that I probably waited even longer than I should have
but he was walking around, even after he broke his leg.
On Sunday morning I found him with his leg hung up in the Y of the chair leg.
When I let him loose I knew he wouldn't be able to walk,
he'd been there all night, eight hours, struggling.
Why didn't God wake me up to come and check on him.
God has done things like that before.
Anyway he was hopping around on three legs
and would purr every time I petted him or picked him up.
He was more than 15 years old. He was a diabetic.
It wasn't right to let him suffer.
Was he suffering or did I just do this for my own convenience.
Euthanasia if very real, but if it is with a person you are playing God.
I did ask God to show me, even before he got his leg caught and broke it, if I should put him down.
Was that my answer. It's not like a person,

you aren't giving them extra time to make sure they have made their peace with God.
They don't even have a soul. Yes it's true, they don't.
But what if God is waiting for something else, me to learn a lesson.
I didn't go in and watch him fall asleep,

I would have made a fool out of myself blubbering all over myself.

I wish I would have gone in. I wanted to see him sleeping in the box.

They pulled all of the machines off of my Grandma. One by one we all said our good byes.

She lived, went home from the hospital and lived for another whole year!

During that time her daughter made amends with her, grew closer to her.

All of this is to teach us, ...something. People are different.

But we can learn something from letting a pet go too.

I'm grateful that I kept him for another whole year.

It gave me something to take care of when no one else in this house needs taking care of.

He was a diabetic, I gave him a shot every morning and every night and special, expensive food.

The only problem is you had to buy the medicine in big people size bottles, it would go bad.

But because I didn't have the proper equipment to check his blood sugar

I didn't know when it went bad, unless I saw the tell tell signs.

Then I just kept giving it to him, like a miracle would take place or something.

I wasn't a very good care taker. The medicine was $100 a bottle.

He loved to sleep in boxes.

He had three different names because no one would agree.
Even at the vet they had two different cats, I said, it's the same cat.
In his glory days he weight almost 20 pounds.
When we went on walks he would follow us around, like a dog.
I'd be working in the garden and turn around and there he was following me like my own shadow.
He was banished to being an outside cat after being with us for only a month
because he put holes in the water bed....two different times!
He loved to snuggle and he loved to sleep in a box.
When we were throwing boxes away we tossed them on the back porch
so he could sleep in them before we threw them away.
We had him for more than 15 years. I just wish I had seen him one last time, sleeping in a box.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

I'm all out of love, I'm coming back in for a refill!

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...

These words have been running through my brain like a pipe organ. I didn't even know they rest of the song until I looked them up and now it fits even better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you, I can't be too late to say I was so wrong." No this isn't my love song for a broken relationship with some guy, (I've been married for over 30 years and intend to stay that way for a long time to come!) But it is more like me singing it to God because one more time I go fool charge ahead without Him. Yes, I realized I misspelled full then realized it perfectly fits because seriously, I looked like a fool blown fool!

It all started around a holiday, (again) with the questioning of the rules (again) and why can't they change now that I am older. What was the rule; internet shut down and phones plugged in on your desk by 10 on school nights and 11 on weekends.

cards he pulled out-It wasn't the rule with the girls. (I wasn't as smart with the girls)

I'm older now and I'm smart enough not to get onto sites that I know are wrong....(many adults can't even handle that.

and the old but over used one; I just don't understand what the big deal is.

I need to take responsibility for my part:

I didn't ask who he was talking to or say how much longer do you need, (there was obviously a crises caused that needed to be talked out on facebook messaging) personally I think the fact that he told her about someone saying something inappropriate about her (gossip) caused the crises in the first place.... Proverbs 26:20  Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. He should have kept quiet and dealt with it himself!

I didn't ask because for the last several weeks I'll be there in a few minutes means 5 minutes to me and 35 minutes to him. I didn't ask because I didn't want to give him a chance to lie...again.

I apologized for not seeking to be more understanding...he apologizes for not being on time (after I point out that he should step up to the plate and take responsibility for his part and apologize.)

We went to bed,

He- angry because he felt misunderstood, judged and was told no.

Me-exhausted, it was 1:00 AM now and felt like I had to defend myself and my right to set boundaries and establish rules to protect my household and questioning what I could have said or done differently.

Saturday Morning: He has moved the whole X-box system into his room and is hibernating. It is owned by his brother, no he didn't ask permission.

I had asked several weeks ago in passing, "Hey, will you be my date for the wedding that we are invited to since everyone else will be out of town?" His answer, "I guess, if I don't have to work."  (that meant yes to me as long as he didn't have to work)

So I knock on the door:

"Hey we are going to be leaving around 1:15."

"What? where are we going?"

"The Wedding."

"I never said I would go to that."   I repeat the above conversation.

"But I never said yes, I have plans with my friends to go to the beach. Do I HAVE to go?"

Looking back I should be grateful that at least he did recognized that I have some measure of authority, he could have said, I'm not going and you can't make me....he didn't. However at this point gratitude was the last thing on my mind, I snapped. If any of you have ever snapped before then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't then I hope you never have to experience it. I could have jumped on him and started strangling him at that minute but I didn't I slammed the door and walked away, for about 3-10 seconds trying to recover from what felt like a karate side kick right in the gut, that really hurt....yes, it's the day before Mother's day...then I came back and let him have it, put the phone on my dresser (did I mention that this was the upgrade phone that I could have had but I gave him the better phone just a week ago. Ungrateful little tyrant)( yes I'm still seeking God on this and still in the process of forgiving. Wait till we get to the wedding, God sent me a messenger.) get in there and get the dishes done, I had to call him back three times to finish and get this Xbox put away before we leave. And YES you do HAVE to go. I might add that I said all of this completely losing it, no, tyrannically,  maybe, and maybe even satanically!! I hadn't lost it like this since the Christmas episode. And I added some guilt in there too....Thank-you for the Mother's Day present.

The Wedding: We arrive at the wedding, and we are civil to each other (I honestly think I may have scared him and now he is questioning my sanity hoping I don't do something or say something to embarrass him.)

As we stand for the bride to enter I notice the little 3 year old daughter of one of the bridesmaids is standing in the seat of a disabled elderly man (I think her grandfather) . When they say you may be seated I quickly assess he will be left standing because there is no way he can pick up that little girl and sit down at the same time so I quickly grab her out of his seat thinking as soon as we sit down she will jump down from my lap and go climb up into great Grandpa's lap. Although I knew who she was, her parents and her grandparent, this is the first time I have ever held this little girl. I'm thinking she's going to start crying or jump down or try to run to her mama. I hold her up and point out the bride and she waves to her mama and within 2 minutes she is asleep on my lap. You have NO idea what an amazing healing balm this is to my soul. I felt like it was a message from God, "Someone still needs you, and I will not stop using you to comfort others just because your kids are growing up."

Even after the wedding was over I continued to hold her. Joshua did what he does best, mingle and didn't even try to rush off but stayed for the reception. While I am holding this sweet little girl in my arms an old friend, that I haven't seen in a long time, comes and sits down beside me. How are things going? What have you been up to? I ask her desperately not wanting to gossip or spill my woes of my teens when hers seem so well behaved. Another message from God comes flying in. "We are taking care of my mother now, you know I lost my dad over a year ago. I wanted to take care of him, out of love, but with mother it is more out of obligation. She is just so judgmental and makes it hard to love her. I hope when I get older my children don't feel the same way." OUCH!  Thank-you God for giving me the gentle message first before throwing me into the refiners fire! Fighting back tears, I said to her, "you are here by divine design and I needed to hear what you have to say." Then her children walked up and we talked about other things so God didn't even give me a chance to bad mouth my son. Thank-you God, one less thing I need to repent of.  

But that is not all, Sunday morning I go to wake up Joshua for church, "I have to be to work early."  he says. "And miss church again? You tell them that you can't work Sunday mornings or you get up and go to an early service, one or the other but do not miss church again." It's Mother's Day and I'm going to church by myself. Don't get me wrong we had a celebration last week because we knew that 4 of my 9 people would be out of town so I knew it but I just thought Joshua would be with me. Expectations...on Thursday before all this went down I actually pictured him saying, C'mon mom I'll take you out to eat for Mother's Day after church. I actually expected him to think ahead, think about somebody else and give without expecting anything in return. I didn't get to that giving point until after my third child and even then it was sporadic at best! Rather then go to my own church I went to a church where few would know me and ask questions and they had a good worship service, which I needed. But it was more about giving my all in all to God rather then receiving from God. In fact it forced me to quit saying, "What about me?" and start asking, "What do you want from me God?" Faith mainly, that I would believe that there is still hope for Joshua, for me and for our relationship and yes that God can clean up this mess, help me to forgive and move on and let it go. Because He is able to do more than I ask or imagine. That was just in the worship service. During the actually service was how much influence I have over my children, use it wisely. Another OUCH! Again I marvel that God know me, know my weaknesses and still gave me 5 children. Because "for my [His] strength is made perfect in [my] weakness."

Boundless Love, Boundless Love, He has conquered all of death and the grave, I may be all out of love for the moment but God will and already is refilling my tank and give me the grace to love more abundantly.

Messege I heard on the radio this morning!
"Perhaps you should be spending more time teaching responsibility instead of trying to control."

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Slut or Flirt?

She's a slut.
That's pretty harsh words coming from a 15 year old, my youngest son and I reprimanded him for it. After all we are homeschoolers, Christian homeshoolers at that, and need to follow protocol. Honestly we've come so far from the "norm" with conservative Christian homeshooling I'm not sure it's possible to ever go back. It all started with me allowing them to bring music other than Christian music into the house. GASP!! I know we fell completely off the wagon. Maybe it had to do with having almost two separate families. First we had the girls then six years later we had 3 more. The first two in the mean time were finding jobs and being thrust out into the world and learning some pretty tough lessons about the "real world". I won't say that I sheltered them but let's face it if you're not in public school the games are totally new to you and can be a slap in the face if you are not warned about them. But that's a different story. This one is about my youngest son. He's the baby of the family, baby. But not anymore....not after today. Today I realize that he is very close to becoming a man if not already full blown, complete with testosterone, hormones an appreciation for a "cute butt".  If I had paid attention I would have saw it coming, he no longer blushed every time someone mentioned the word sex, and we had our share of movies we had to fast forward or completely forgo because of sexual scenes,  but I was in denial that Daniel would not have to struggle with lust, or avoid looking at boobs hanging out, butts poking up and well if you've been to Walmart lately it's not necessary for me to explain myself. I have read many books on the subject and even aloud to them because I desperately want them to avoid being take down to the depths by a "harlot" and know not that it leads to death. If they choose to go that way they will know exactly where it's leading and the price they will have to pay.

Daniel was scheduled to take an SAT test and I dropped him off. "Where do I go," he said, as he looked up at the three story building. "Just follow those girls, they are going to the same place". Little did I know that they herded them in like cattle and he had no choice but to sit behind one of those girls for over four hours, who chose by her actions to be tagged a "slut".  As he described this girl, his words were totally honest, blunt and to the point. In fact I was in shock at how blunt. I shouldn't have been because I have a tendency to "tell it like it is" most of the time but still coming from him on this subject was a little tough to swallow.
"She sat in front of me and every chance she got she stuck her butt up in the air. I admit I looked and she had a cute butt, but that's not the point, she felt it necessary to flaunt it every chance she got. She's a slut."
"That's a little harsh, can we use some other term, flirty?"
"No, she was a slut."
I wasn't as surprised by his harsh judgment so much as I was by his transparency that he looked. How many other 15 year olds would admit that. How could he not look when she is waving it in the air! I wish I could talk to her, does she know that she is acting like a slut, or does she just think she's being flirty? Who is her mother, has she never read about the women in Proverbs. I almost feel sorry for her because of her lack of discretion. But one thing I can celebrate that it is almost guaranteed because of the wisdom God has given my son, he won't be marrying a "slut".

Proverbs 7:10-27  And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart. (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house: Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.) So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,  I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.  Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee. I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves. For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey: He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.  With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him. He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks;  Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that it is for his life. Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth. Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.