I'm all out of love, I'm coming back in for a refill!
These words have been running through my brain like a pipe
organ. I didn't even know they rest of the song until I looked them up and now
it fits even better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you, I can't
be too late to say I was so wrong." No this isn't my love song for a
broken relationship with some guy, (I've been married for over 30 years and
intend to stay that way for a long time to come!) But it is more like me
singing it to God because one more time I go fool charge ahead without Him.
Yes, I realized I misspelled full then realized it perfectly fits because
seriously, I looked like a fool blown fool!
It all started around a holiday, (again) with the
questioning of the rules (again) and why can't they change now that I am older.
What was the rule; internet shut down and phones plugged in on your desk by 10
on school nights and 11 on weekends.
cards he pulled out-It wasn't the rule with the girls. (I
wasn't as smart with the girls)
I'm older now and I'm smart enough not to get onto sites
that I know are wrong....(many adults can't even handle that.
and the old but over used one; I just don't understand what
the big deal is.
I need to take responsibility for my part:
I didn't ask who he was talking to or say how much longer do
you need, (there was obviously a crises caused that needed to be talked out on
facebook messaging) personally I think the fact that he told her about someone
saying something inappropriate about her (gossip) caused the crises in the
first place.... Proverbs 26:20 Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out:
so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. He should have kept
quiet and dealt with it himself!
I didn't ask because for the last several weeks I'll be
there in a few minutes means 5 minutes to me and 35 minutes to him. I didn't
ask because I didn't want to give him a chance to lie...again.
I apologized for not seeking to be more understanding...he
apologizes for not being on time (after I point out that he should step up to
the plate and take responsibility for his part and apologize.)
We went to bed,
He- angry because he felt misunderstood, judged and was told
no.
Me-exhausted, it was 1:00 AM now and felt like I had to
defend myself and my right to set boundaries and establish rules to protect my
household and questioning what I could have said or done differently.
Saturday Morning: He has moved the whole X-box system into
his room and is hibernating. It is owned by his brother, no he didn't ask permission.
I had asked several weeks ago in passing, "Hey, will
you be my date for the wedding that we are invited to since everyone else will
be out of town?" His answer, "I guess, if I don't have to
work." (that meant yes to me as
long as he didn't have to work)
So I knock on the door:
"Hey we are going to be leaving around 1:15."
"What? where are we going?"
"The Wedding."
"I never said I would go to that." I repeat the above conversation.
"But I never said yes, I have plans with my friends to
go to the beach. Do I HAVE to go?"
Looking back I should be grateful that at least he did
recognized that I have some measure of authority, he could have said, I'm not
going and you can't make me....he didn't. However at this point gratitude was
the last thing on my mind, I snapped. If any of you have ever snapped before
then you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't then I hope you
never have to experience it. I could have jumped on him and started strangling
him at that minute but I didn't I slammed the door and walked away, for about
3-10 seconds trying to recover from what felt like a karate side kick right in
the gut, that really hurt....yes, it's the day before Mother's day...then I
came back and let him have it, put the phone on my dresser (did I mention that
this was the upgrade phone that I could have had but I gave him the better
phone just a week ago. Ungrateful little tyrant)( yes I'm still seeking God on
this and still in the process of forgiving. Wait till we get to the wedding,
God sent me a messenger.) get in there and get the dishes done, I had to call
him back three times to finish and get this Xbox put away before we leave. And
YES you do HAVE to go. I might add that I said all of this hysterically...no
completely losing it, no, tyrannically,
maybe, and maybe even satanically!! I hadn't lost it like this since the
Christmas episode. And I added some guilt in there too....Thank-you for the
Mother's Day present.
The Wedding: We arrive at the wedding, and we are civil to
each other (I honestly think I may have scared him and now he is questioning my
sanity hoping I don't do something or say something to embarrass him.)
As we stand for the bride to enter I notice the little 3 year old daughter of one of the bridesmaids is standing in the seat of a disabled elderly man (I think her grandfather) . When they say you may be seated I quickly assess he will be left standing because there is no way he can pick up that little girl and sit down at the same time so I quickly grab her out of his seat thinking as soon as we sit down she will jump down from my lap and go climb up into great Grandpa's lap. Although I knew who she was, her parents and her grandparent, this is the first time I have ever held this little girl. I'm thinking she's going to start crying or jump down or try to run to her mama. I hold her up and point out the bride and she waves to her mama and within 2 minutes she is asleep on my lap. You have NO idea what an amazing healing balm this is to my soul. I felt like it was a message from God, "Someone still needs you, and I will not stop using you to comfort others just because your kids are growing up."
Even after the wedding was over I continued to hold her.
Joshua did what he does best, mingle and didn't even try to rush off but stayed
for the reception. While I am holding this sweet little girl in my arms an old
friend, that I haven't seen in a long time, comes and sits down beside me. How
are things going? What have you been up to? I ask her desperately not wanting
to gossip or spill my woes of my teens when hers seem so well behaved. Another
message from God comes flying in. "We are taking care of my mother now,
you know I lost my dad over a year ago. I wanted to take care of him, out of
love, but with mother it is more out of obligation. She is just so judgmental
and makes it hard to love her. I hope when I get older my children don't feel
the same way." OUCH! Thank-you God
for giving me the gentle message first before throwing me into the refiners
fire! Fighting back tears, I said to her, "you are here by divine design
and I needed to hear what you have to say." Then her children walked up
and we talked about other things so God didn't even give me a chance to bad
mouth my son. Thank-you God, one less thing I need to repent of.
But that is not all, Sunday morning I go to wake up Joshua
for church, "I have to be to work early." he says. "And miss church again? You
tell them that you can't work Sunday mornings or you get up and go to an early
service, one or the other but do not miss church again." It's Mother's Day
and I'm going to church by myself. Don't get me wrong we had a celebration last
week because we knew that 4 of my 9 people would be out of town so I knew it
but I just thought Joshua would be with me. Expectations...on Thursday before
all this went down I actually pictured him saying, C'mon mom I'll take you out
to eat for Mother's Day after church. I actually expected him to think ahead,
think about somebody else and give without expecting anything in return. I
didn't get to that giving point until after my third child and even then it was
sporadic at best! Rather then go to my own church I went to a church where few
would know me and ask questions and they had a good worship service, which I
needed. But it was more about giving my all in all to God rather then receiving
from God. In fact it forced me to quit saying, "What about me?" and
start asking, "What do you want from me God?" Faith mainly, that I
would believe that there is still hope for Joshua, for me and for our
relationship and yes that God can clean up this mess, help me to forgive and
move on and let it go. Because He is able to do more than I ask or imagine.
That was just in the worship service. During the actually service was how much
influence I have over my children, use it wisely. Another OUCH! Again I marvel
that God know me, know my weaknesses and still gave me 5 children. Because "for
my [His] strength is made perfect in [my] weakness."
Boundless Love, Boundless Love, He has conquered all of
death and the grave, I may be all out of love for the moment but God will and
already is refilling my tank and give me the grace to love more abundantly.
Messege I heard on the radio this morning!
"Perhaps you should be spending more time teaching responsibility instead of trying to control."
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