A New Act

Every Parrot I know can ride a bike Penny,
you're going to have to come up with something
better than that!

Take it or leave it, it's the best I can do!!

Sunday Morning church bonus question for a check up on how your heart is doing;

Ask your children-What does it feel like being parented by me?

Daniel: a circus

Melody: but one that we've seen over and over again so we have it memorized...
Me: so what you are saying is I need a new act?
Melody: yes.

Oh God I'm all out of acts, scripts, new ideas...I just want to be done, the joy is gone the laughter is gone, and no matter how hard I try to get out of this rut I just keep slipping back down into the demonic, "accuser of the brethren" angry, ugly monster. Circus?  More like  a horror show, I can't do this anymore. Not even one day goes by without me being angry. Not even one day goes by with out me expressing my disappointment. Who could live up to never being good enough. I've never been good enough, how I can tell them that they are good enough.

Joshua's answer: Like you don't care about how I feel and you don't understand my side of it and what I'm going through, nor do you even want to try.

A long conversation commenced. In a nut shell I can write down how I feel,

You lied,

it doesn't seem like it's a big deal to you
you don't seem to care how I'm feeling or how hard this is for me
you don't show me any respect
I'm finding it hard to forgive you
or treat you with respect
you don't seem to be sorry
show any remorse
any humility
and this hurts
and I think it should be over but it just won't go away
and you don't seem to care.

And Joshua can sign it.   

Any of you who have mirror image children can understand what I'm talking about here, if I were more than 20 years younger we would have been twins! No we don't look the same but we think alike, talk alike and act like! It is unnerving at times.

I did lie, and I apologized for it, I said I wouldn't bring it up again but there it was, like vomit I couldn't have kept it down even if I had wanted to. There was too much disappointment in my heart, to much hurt, shame and too much anger, but this was not the way and I knew better.

It was like my mouth had a mind of it's own.  

I made up excuses...like he did.
Since I apologized for it I didn't expect it to come up again....it did.

We both needed understanding, we both needed compassion, we both needed mercy.

Who's going to make the first move? Who's going to be the bigger person. Well you would think the older one of us, the more mature Christian, right? The Mom!! But you don't know how many times I've already messed up, like Melody says at the top it's the same old act over and over again. Attempt, anger, frustration, hurt......then the pain spews out of my heart and we are further back than where we started from! So I need a new act, it needs new actors, starring Love, with Mercy and Grace and Wisdom as supporting actors. I need to fire anger, offense and pain and send them packing up to God so he can deal with them appropriately.

James 3:17-18  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

James 1:20  For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

1 Corinthians 13:8  Charity never faileth: ....

By God's grace, through His strength, according to His will.

I need to start rehearsing-memorizing James 3:17-18 is a good start, I hear the word of God is powerful and can change people.